An all too brief stay in Turkey in September 2011. What an absolutely wonderful place. Caroline and I, and Tilly (her daughter) and her friend Oly stayed in Calis, near Fethiye in the Mugla province. The weather was amazing, the coast and countryside were fantastic, the 3000+ years of  history visible in ruins everywhere was truly awe inspiring, and the geographical features, such as the Saklikent Gorge, spectacular. 

However what made it such a beautiful place for us were the people. The Turkish people are the most friendly, most caring, most interested and interesting people I have ever had the joy of encountering.

So, I just want to say, ‘teşekkür ederim’. Thank you to the people of Turkey.  May you always be blessed, may you always share in my dharma.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Now, is this the time of Abraham. The time of soft sounds from the upper room. Dark forces, lie unseen on our tongues. the ti the tim e of ma chin e es

breaki inb d own fading out

bl ack   and blkue ed

green of the dead,

lying

to save themselves. Lying

naked

in a strange unfamiliar pose. I am a foreigner.

The visitor.

The voyeur.

The tourist.

And what sight do I see? Not what I think,

I wish to see.

I see.

Myself.

Looking back at me …

I completed this self portrait while supervising the art class at the prison. I had a great time – such a change from teaching ESOL as there was minimal interaction with the students, although as they got to know me over the time of the four lessons I taught, they did start to ask for more and more assistance (which I felt completely untrained to provide!) Even so, I would guess I perhaps spent about 20% of my time actively involved in supervising the class, and the other 80 occupying myself, hence this self-portrait.

Gotta say, it was GREAT to get the space and time, and all the resources, materials and atmosphere needed to simply sit and paint for hours on end! I’ll stand in and cover art class any time they want!

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Having heard these words issue forth from S.N. Goenka’s mouth, they will always have that resonating sound, that deep imperative, that transcendent meaning. Start again. Let it all go. Relax. Love yourself, forgive yourself. Start again.

So here I am, starting again. Trying hard to let go of the doubt that has built in me, in my absence.

I am, in this moment, no longer distracted. I am in this moment, present here. Perhaps the most present I have been here in 2, 3 or more months. I am unsure how long, it is something of a dream, a blur. And it is good to be back here, no longer distracted, back here, starting again.

It has been a long long time since I have been in touch / sent emails / cards / birthday wishes / called and texted many of those I love.  Many of you hopefully who are still out there; who still, when the time and energy is right, come to this place to see how I am going, where I am going, how I am and where I’m at.

I send my love to you all; to my sons – you are the brilliance in my night sky, the warmth of the midday sun; to Kate and Marney, the most loyal and loving of friends, your patience, perseverence and belief have kept my feet moving: to Jim and Phil, knowing you are out there has helped me set my compass; to Kev and Chan, Garry and Nga, Jessie and Jon you are and always be my family; to Buck, Lyn, Colwyn, Andrea, Telisa, Cathay, Dalila,  John and John, Don and Caleb, Karen, Lavinia, Louise, Niuia, Ruth, Trevor and Tarn thanks for all the love, thoughts and friendship.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

To all in Christchurch, my thoughts are with you.

It is just so painful to hear and see such devastation

from so far away.  Kia kaha, kia toa, kia manawanui.

May you all share in my dharma. May you all come to let go of that which you have lived through. May God be with you.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

The tooth may be gone but the headaches continue. Every morning it is the same, waking to a sore head – a tentative rising. Sitting for a moment on the edge, the day laid bare before me. It is not a pretty sight, I am not a pretty sight. I have started to forgo a morning shower, exchanging the rush of invigorating hot water for sweet black coffee and a hand-rolled cigarette, no filter.

Thirty days, perhaps more. The pain came and went before that, then it came to stay, take root as it were. A half-face full of excruciating pain, and this ache deep, deep inside. Sometimes it was all there was, and all I had was my breath. No voice, no thought, no vision, just a single-minded focus, all my attention on this one thing; and inbreath, an outbreath.

And in this I shut down, a safety mechanism activated in response to the agony that pursued me, and enflamed my fear of being caught, once again. The physical demons were accompained by the psychological; no job, no responses (and I mean absolutely none) from over 20 job applications. No job is not so bad though. No job, no money and monthly credit card payments to meet is a but different.

And I got there, I made it. I borrowed money from my son who lives himself on the poverty line. My need ws such, and I’m glad it was, and glad that I could ask, and bloody glad that he could respond as he did. Staved off the drama for another month.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x