Having heard these words issue forth from S.N. Goenka’s mouth, they will always have that resonating sound, that deep imperative, that transcendent meaning. Start again. Let it all go. Relax. Love yourself, forgive yourself. Start again.

So here I am, starting again. Trying hard to let go of the doubt that has built in me, in my absence.

I am, in this moment, no longer distracted. I am in this moment, present here. Perhaps the most present I have been here in 2, 3 or more months. I am unsure how long, it is something of a dream, a blur. And it is good to be back here, no longer distracted, back here, starting again.

It has been a long long time since I have been in touch / sent emails / cards / birthday wishes / called and texted many of those I love.  Many of you hopefully who are still out there; who still, when the time and energy is right, come to this place to see how I am going, where I am going, how I am and where I’m at.

I send my love to you all; to my sons – you are the brilliance in my night sky, the warmth of the midday sun; to Kate and Marney, the most loyal and loving of friends, your patience, perseverence and belief have kept my feet moving: to Jim and Phil, knowing you are out there has helped me set my compass; to Kev and Chan, Garry and Nga, Jessie and Jon you are and always be my family; to Buck, Lyn, Colwyn, Andrea, Telisa, Cathay, Dalila,  John and John, Don and Caleb, Karen, Lavinia, Louise, Niuia, Ruth, Trevor and Tarn thanks for all the love, thoughts and friendship.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

To all in Christchurch, my thoughts are with you.

It is just so painful to hear and see such devastation

from so far away.  Kia kaha, kia toa, kia manawanui.

May you all share in my dharma. May you all come to let go of that which you have lived through. May God be with you.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

The tooth may be gone but the headaches continue. Every morning it is the same, waking to a sore head – a tentative rising. Sitting for a moment on the edge, the day laid bare before me. It is not a pretty sight, I am not a pretty sight. I have started to forgo a morning shower, exchanging the rush of invigorating hot water for sweet black coffee and a hand-rolled cigarette, no filter.

Thirty days, perhaps more. The pain came and went before that, then it came to stay, take root as it were. A half-face full of excruciating pain, and this ache deep, deep inside. Sometimes it was all there was, and all I had was my breath. No voice, no thought, no vision, just a single-minded focus, all my attention on this one thing; and inbreath, an outbreath.

And in this I shut down, a safety mechanism activated in response to the agony that pursued me, and enflamed my fear of being caught, once again. The physical demons were accompained by the psychological; no job, no responses (and I mean absolutely none) from over 20 job applications. No job is not so bad though. No job, no money and monthly credit card payments to meet is a but different.

And I got there, I made it. I borrowed money from my son who lives himself on the poverty line. My need ws such, and I’m glad it was, and glad that I could ask, and bloody glad that he could respond as he did. Staved off the drama for another month.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

The last week or so I’ve been increasingly experiencing stiffness and pain in neck and shoulders. Weird. I thought it might be stress, its the classic place to feel it after all. But not for me, if anywhere its my calves that tense up. And its not like I’ve anything to be getting stressed about. Compared to teaching, working at the mental home is a breeze. Just turn up for my shift and do the job, which by and large is pretty menial work. So stress didn’t seem to make sense.

Then this afternoon as I was walking along Streatham High Street I realised what was causing the pain. I was hunched up against the cold, shoulders raised, chin down tucked into my sheepskin collar. This was it right here – my posture had brought on the pain and stiffness in my neck and shoulders. Once I dropped my shoulders, straightened my neck and raised my head I felt better. Now I’ve just got to try and remember to stay upright. Not easy in this weather.

So anyway all of that was by way of introduction. It’s a lead into the weather. Which is damn cold. Its snowed twice already this winter and will most definitely do so again before the season is through.  The Brits make me laugh, as almost everyone I talk to about the snow says that this is very unusual and that it doesn’t usually snow in London. Well that’s not my experience – it’s snowed every winter I’ve been here. So from my point of view, it snows in the UK in winter, no matter where you are.

I still like the snow though, even after three winters of it. Maybe my pleasure isn’t quite as great as it was during that first winter. I’m not taking as many pictures of the snow, but I’m still enchanted enough to get out in it and build myself something. This year I went for the classic snow dragon thingy…

Gotta say I was quite pleased with it. So it was a white Christmas – well it didn’t actually snow on Christmas, but there was plenty on the ground, especially up north in Manchester where I was with Cari and her family. I really felt the whole Christmas time is family time emotion this year and felt bereft from my boys. It would be nice to spend a Christmas some time soon with them – it doesn’t even need to be that Christmassy, just to be together and to celebrate the joy that that brings.

I hope you all have had a wonderful Christmas – have felt the love and sense of belonging that being with your family can bring. May you all be happy, may you all experience the goodwill of Christmas time, all the time. May you all share in my dharma.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Being present is the hardest thing. It requires nothing of us and yet often we are so uncomfortable being nothing, nothing other than right here, right now.

Merry Christmas everyone! I love you one and all. May you all be happy today and every day after, and may you all be happy every hour of every day, and in every minute of every hour may you experience  joy, gratitude and love.

Merry Christmas to you all. This year is a cardless Christmas. I have been living frugally for a few months now and the purchasing / making  of cards and the costs of postage are well beyond my means (I can just manage the essentials - tram and train costs and cigarettes – ha). So while I haven’t had the pleasure of thinking of each of you as a gaze upon a sea of cards, waiting for just the right one to pop up; thinking of you with my pen poised over the blank inner waiting for just the right words to pop in, thinking of you as I slip your card into the red red mouth of the post office box on the street corner, I have thought of you, and I know you know how I feel.

I love you long time. May you all share in my dharma. May you all share in my merit.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x