He remembered that one time. One time, about five years ago, when it had seemed that he had entered into a state of pure equilibruim with all that surrounded him. He remembered a feeling of peace, of ease. It was a moment in which he was never conscious of making a decision. Things just happened. Not separate from him and not ‘to’ him, but kind of ‘with’ him. In that moment, in that time he was part of all that existed. Just a part, not the main part or anything more than just another part, like the paint on the wall, the grass on the kerb, the people walking down the street as he drove past, the street itself.  It was all equal and therefore it was not up to him to decide what happened next, no one or no thing decided that, there was no need to decide because things just seemed to happen. Everything became like breathing, just happening without thinking. Life went on, life goes on.

Living, he recalled, in that moment, was easy.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Meditation and mindfulness help us to be free of the day to day distractions that we create. These distractions do not exist outside of ourselves. The noises we hear, the sights we see, the smells we inhale are exactly that. They are ours, and ours alone. No one else sees what we see, hears what we hear, smells what we smell, and feels what we feel. Our uniqueness does not stop at our fingertips, at the individual whirls and patterns that each of us have on our skin. We are all different from each other. We exist in our own worlds; of our own creation and re-creation. In this way what I see, hear, taste, smell and feel is not the same as what you experience. My experience of ‘life’ is just one version among billions, as is yours.

An objective reality; a Truth of the things outside of us does not exist. How can it when each of us, every single one of us, human, animal, insect – every sentient being, compehends and interprets these outside things differently.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

This morning, for no apparent, reason, the train stopped, and I stopped with it. It stopped, I stopped, and we sat in a silence I could hear. It came to me that I have not really stopped for a long time.  How long I’d been riding that train I’m not sure, and I guess it doesn’t really matter. Not now, not now that I have this stillness. And in the quiet, I sense the wonder, the wondering of where I’ve been, and why I chose to go there.

Answers evade me.  As I chase them around and around inside my head I only become more frantic, more distracted, more distant  from the recently uncovered, rediscovered silence that lies beneath. Still no longer, the lion awakes, stirs, unfolds itself and moves so graciously towards it’s cage.  The beast does not rally against its ensnarment for it feasts on reason. In the flick of its tail, I know, I believe that in knowing the ‘whys and wherefores’, I may be less likely to return to that abyss.

I do not, I tell myself, superficially at least, feel disappointed or disturbed about the place I have been. I have been in the service of others it seems to me.  Giving of myself – or is this just an attempt to make it all seem all right?  I have not been unhappy in my exile. It has, it seems to me, to have been an absence full of purpose.

Perhaps what disturbs me, and urges me to investigate, is the notion of the separation between then/there and now/here, the difference between going somewhere and going nowhere.  In my desire to integrate the two, I sit on this stationary train, and it feels ok.  I exist in a moment that is both silent and ghostly still, and simultaneously full of purpose and intention. 

Talking, thinking, writing about this place is good. Calmly abiding in this moment is all that is required.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

There isn’t really any subtle way of saying this, or maybe there is and I’m just not in a particularly subtle mood, but some people can talk a load of shit.  That in itself usually doesn’t bother me, but when others are hanging on their every word, taking it all in, well its time to leave the room.

Basically I think perhaps we all talk too much. For various reasons although quite often it seems to be about us wanting to blow our horns. To create an image of ourselves; to brag, albeit often perhaps unconsciously. To make ourselves look important, knowledgeable, smart, clever, whatever. However as As Abe Lincoln said,

 x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Its all ok, everything is good even when it feels like we’ve come full circle and are back exactly where we were 4, 5 or however many years ago. We all go round in circles – life is not  a linear process, we don’t just start out being born, learn our lessons from every single experience and progressively follow this straight path to death. We go round in circles, revisiting moments in our lives that we have a need to revisit.  Sometimes it takes us more that one go at a certain life experience to fully learn and grow from it. So, thankfully we come round again.

Some of us don’t even recognise these cycles at all, most of us only see it every now and again. However if we don’t recognise this pattern and if we don’t choose to pay attention and take action then we just keep going round and round, ultimately wondering why we don’t seem to be ‘getting anywhere’ in our lives.

Yet we all know when we’ve come round again - we know it deep inside. We sense a familiar feeling inside and there are familiar signs outside. We know that we’ve had these feelings before and the external signs and symbols remind us of a similar time in our lives not so long ago. Not so long ago that we have no recollection; we know where we are. We know we are here again. The question is do we now pay heed to this knowing, or do we ignore it, dismiss it, resist it?

There are of course a multitude of reasons why we may choose to ignore, dismiss or resist what we know.  And quite often this is exactly what we do. We do this however at our peril. There is no escaping these cycles of life. We are back here again for a reason, and if we choose to ignore, dimiss or resist how we feel and what we recognise around us, then we are simply delaying the inevitable. And what today is just an uncomfortable sense of self doubt will become if we delay long enough a life-threatening situation.

There is one predominant reason we have come back round again. There is one main reason we find ourselves in this situation again. That is to give ourselves an opportunity. We are here again so that we can choose to do things differently We can choose to be different.  And ain’t that the most amazing thing? Ain’t that the most fantastic opportunity?

Usually this most wonderful opportunity is also a most demanding challenge. We are here again because there is another way to respond to this set of circumstances; there is another way to feel and act in this moment. There is another way to be in this moment. Often this other path  is one we do not feel that comfortable taking, probably why we didn’t take it last time around (ha). Yet the bigger our fear the greater the opportunity for us to change our lives. It is our fear that holds us back, by being here again we are presented with the challenge and the opportunity to face that fear and set ourselves free.

So my friends whenever you find yourselves in that place that seems so familiar, pay attention. Be in it, feel it, remember it. Remember how you felt, who you were the last time you were here. Who are you now? What do you want to be different, and what do you have to do make it so?

Take responsibility for being here, again. Take responsibility for being here before. Know that you are here because you chose/choose to be here. You are here for a reason and trust that you know exactly what that reason is. Try to let go of your frustration, your disappointment, your anger. Try to just simply and gently be in this place and get to know the landscape a little better.

Be grateful. Thank the lord, or the universe, or fate, or whatever it is you believe in for allowing you, and assisting you, in being here again. Appreciate the wonderful opportunity you have been given; the challenge you have created for yourself to liberate yourself in this moment.

Kia kaha, kia toa, kia manawanui. Be strong, be brave, be steadfast my friends. Know that I love you all. Know that this moment, like all moments will not last. Know that you have within you the courage and the strength to change who you are and what your future is.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x