I’ve been giving out imaginary hugs to people as they pass by on the street. It was Cari’s idea – she read about it, and it seemed like something worth trying – giving out blessings to every person we come across as we move through our day. At this stage my blessings aren’t actualised or verbalised, I just imagine a big hug and mutter a silent blessing. This has to be a bit better than giving nothing at all and a helluva lot better than some of the negative thoughts that I have discovered are initially entering my mind.

This has been one of the most telling revelations that has come from this practice. I have noticed that me initial reaction to many people is quite negative, and these are people I don’t know from a bar of soap. I’m quite likely to think “you tosser” or “you fat smug arsehole” or something equally nasty of the person walking towards me. No overly compassionate is it? Now I’m immediately turning those thoughts into something kind and caring like “may your trip to work be safe and may you enjoy the sunshine on your face” (to the lycra-clad guy on the bike) or “may your boss praise you and may you feel appreciated in all you do” (to the young man wth the suit and briefcase) or ” may you enjoy your walk and feel nature’s wonder surrounding you” (to the well-to-do somewhat overweight matron walking her dog in the park). So it’s great practice  – I find I am enjoying challenging my self and coming up with personalised blessings for each person I come across.

The practice has also made me reflect on where those initial unsavoury reactions are coming from. I think maybe it has something to do with my own doubts about who I am and what I do, think and feel. So the bike rider may remind me of how unfit I am, the young suited guy reminds me of my aging body and lack of ambition, and the well manicured matron reminds me of my poverty. And yet I really care very little about such things. I think my reactions are fuelled through social comparison – that is I see these people and I compare myself. And the yardsticks I use in this comparison are not ones that I rationally think about, they are measurements of success that emerge seemingly without thought from deep inside me. These are the measurements of success that are promoted widely, promoted everywhere, in every form andf medium - these are the dominant discourses of our western society – health, wealth and youthfulness. This is what we are all supposed to strive for.

Like so many others, I have embodied these discourses, I have eaten these images and ideas through my eyes, ears and other senses over decades. They are inside me, deeply submerged and well ingrained – they influence my subconscious and help determine the random and immediate thoughts that surface in my consciousness.

So yes I enjoy giving out imaginary hugs and silent blessings. It’s gotta be good for (the new) me.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

I’m going round in circles

coming back to you

to tell me what I think about

the things I never knew.

You tell me life’s a journey

without a destination

Yet you’ve helped me realise you know

there’s another explanation.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

I happened to make a passing comment about the new me as Cari and I were driving through Wimbledon on the weekend. Well this quite tickled her fancy. When she had stopped laughing and had managed to contain herself sufficiently I asked her what was so funny’

I’m not sure that I fully understand but it seemed to me that she was bemused by my seemingly simple and somewhat immediate re-invention of my ’self’. What was funny was that I could just declare out of the blue that I was now the new me,  somehow quite significantly different from the person I was yesterday. I had to laugh – it does seem quite ridiculous after all. How can we just change just like that? And how could such dramatic change occur without someone, especially someone very close to us, noticing?

Transformation is not something that happens overnight. Yet it does happen all the time. We are constantly changing, yet usually this change is subtle and not even that noticeable to ourselves let alone others. This subtle change accumulates so that over longer periods of time we are much more aware of the changes that are occuring. Sometimes however if we decide to be consciously in the change that is happening we can influence and direct it in such a way that the changes can be dramatic and quite immediate. Both our selves and others can be taken by surprise.

In the last few weeks I have changed considerably – enough to feel that I am a new person, quite different from who I was a month ago.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Today while de-cluttering a bookcase I found in the pages of a book a card from my son, Tobias. I am once again reminded of my isolation. I am without my sons near me – I can not look upon them, smile with them, laugh and joke, and speak the special language that only we three share. I am without my closest friends, those that know me, trust me and trust what exists between us, to simply be themselves.

I am without my soulmates – those that are so willing to journey with me – and this is a journey. Right here, right now – this place of heightened awareness, of mindfulness, of calm abiding – this is a journey. A journey with self, and without self, a journey to nowhere, with no beginning and no end. This is a journey through fields of gold and into the deepest darkest woodlands.

It is a journey that, at times, I do not want to venture alone. I miss my sons who have journeyed with me in the past.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Am I awakening? Is this one of those moments? Am I entering a moment of enlightenment? If so, I have been here before, that is why it seems familiar somehow. Last time I remember being here I knew, or at least I thought I knew, the reason why. Now there is no obvious reason for this heightened sense of connection, this quickening. There is no one lying next to me, no one I love is dying in front of me. I do not sit still in calm abiding. There does not appear to be anything occuring in my life to explain what I am starting to experience.

Change most definitely is upon me -  in me. It manifests itself in my very being – I can not help but witness it, feel it, know it. As it is now, so it was then. Words flow from me, my hand moves across the page. I am starting to see and feel the connectivity of all, and I am starting to become assured in my perceptions and feelings.

I am both excited and afraid. I need to be courageous.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x