This morning, for no apparent, reason, the train stopped, and I stopped with it. It stopped, I stopped, and we sat in a silence I could hear. It came to me that I have not really stopped for a long time.  How long I’d been riding that train I’m not sure, and I guess it doesn’t really matter. Not now, not now that I have this stillness. And in the quiet, I sense the wonder, the wondering of where I’ve been, and why I chose to go there.

Answers evade me.  As I chase them around and around inside my head I only become more frantic, more distracted, more distant  from the recently uncovered, rediscovered silence that lies beneath. Still no longer, the lion awakes, stirs, unfolds itself and moves so graciously towards it’s cage.  The beast does not rally against its ensnarment for it feasts on reason. In the flick of its tail, I know, I believe that in knowing the ‘whys and wherefores’, I may be less likely to return to that abyss.

I do not, I tell myself, superficially at least, feel disappointed or disturbed about the place I have been. I have been in the service of others it seems to me.  Giving of myself – or is this just an attempt to make it all seem all right?  I have not been unhappy in my exile. It has, it seems to me, to have been an absence full of purpose.

Perhaps what disturbs me, and urges me to investigate, is the notion of the separation between then/there and now/here, the difference between going somewhere and going nowhere.  In my desire to integrate the two, I sit on this stationary train, and it feels ok.  I exist in a moment that is both silent and ghostly still, and simultaneously full of purpose and intention. 

Talking, thinking, writing about this place is good. Calmly abiding in this moment is all that is required.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Having heard these words issue forth from S.N. Goenka’s mouth, they will always have that resonating sound, that deep imperative, that transcendent meaning. Start again. Let it all go. Relax. Love yourself, forgive yourself. Start again.

So here I am, starting again. Trying hard to let go of the doubt that has built in me, in my absence.

I am, in this moment, no longer distracted. I am in this moment, present here. Perhaps the most present I have been here in 2, 3 or more months. I am unsure how long, it is something of a dream, a blur. And it is good to be back here, no longer distracted, back here, starting again.

It has been a long long time since I have been in touch / sent emails / cards / birthday wishes / called and texted many of those I love.  Many of you hopefully who are still out there; who still, when the time and energy is right, come to this place to see how I am going, where I am going, how I am and where I’m at.

I send my love to you all; to my sons – you are the brilliance in my night sky, the warmth of the midday sun; to Kate and Marney, the most loyal and loving of friends, your patience, perseverence and belief have kept my feet moving: to Jim and Phil, knowing you are out there has helped me set my compass; to Kev and Chan, Garry and Nga, Jessie and Jon you are and always be my family; to Buck, Lyn, Colwyn, Andrea, Telisa, Cathay, Dalila,  John and John, Don and Caleb, Karen, Lavinia, Louise, Niuia, Ruth, Trevor and Tarn thanks for all the love, thoughts and friendship.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

A well timed email my old friend – reminding me that it was your birthday today – and leaving me no time to send a card. In lieu of that, an acknowledgement here then.

Happy birthday dude! May this day be blessed. May you fully experience all the wonder and joy surrounding you. May you be present in all the mystery and grace of the moment, forever. The same moment, the same mystery, joy, wonder and grace that I often experience when I am with you.

Thanks my friend for all the words, all the smiles and laughter. All the simple understanding that you have given me. All the wisdom. All the non-judgement. All the lessons that we have shared. It has been the utmost pleasure. It is the utmost pleasure sharing life with you.

You are my teacher as often as my student. My coming and going. My departure and my return. I look forward to our next time together, as I have always done. And as always I know when that happens it will be the best of times.

May you be happy. May you be liberated. May you always share in my dharma.

I love you my friend.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

here it is, right here, now,

an unguarded moment

it comes upon me without plan

 when my eyes are empty

 when my heart is open

 when my self is looking –  the other way

 I  feel it

or perhaps not I

it enters me

surrounds me, envelopes me

 an unguarded moment

it may be that soft early morning light

 or snow on the ground

our love of god

 or the vibrating oneness

that comes with being

still

it comes                     without guile

 when with an empty eye

I        without fear

am ready

to die

it enters me

surrounds me, envelopes me

in an unguarded moment

you are there

completely

fully

for ever here

with me

in this unguarded moment

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

right here, right now…. there is no future

I hear you raise you voice before you speak

and tell me, in a number of ways

that I lack commitment

I do not argue, I have no commitment

to time

only to you

in this moment

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x