It’s Friday afternoon. I want to just stop for a moment and acknowledge the week that has been. It was a huge week for me. Now looking back I can see that I have been tireless this week.

The Glanville Trust is winding up. It will be no more in a few more days. It was set up some 6 years or so ago, so that mum could be cared for, so that she could die peacefully, in her own home, surrounded by people who loved her. She did. God bless her.

My financial situation is changing dramatically. As the Trust winds up it rewards me financially. Thank you mum. This is my inheritance. Thank you for all the gifts you bestowed upon me over those 88 wonderful years. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

My employment situation has changed. I now have an agent who organises and arranges any work for me. And I pick and choose as to when I want to work and what I want to do. I am a ‘free agent’ so to speak. This is a massive transformation.

The delicious ambiguity has receded. The mist has cleared for a time. I now know where I stand. I recognise and stand strong in my turangawaewae. Kia kaha, kia toa, kia manawanui. 

I have in the last week produced a huge amount of writing, on here, and in emails, on postcards. More than that I have realised a dream. My dream of being a writer. That is what I am. That is what I have become.

All this has happened this week. Today is October 31st. It is my father’s birthday. Today I also realise that dad has been absent from this site. He has been in the shadows. Behind the scenes, behind me. Always. Always there. He is, he always was, he always will be – a rock. My rock.

Dad died some 25 years ago. Dad, it is time for you to come to the front of the stage. Into the spotlight.

Dad, thanks so much for being so different.

Never before have I appreciated it so much.

I am my own man, a man like you

because of you

I love who I am

 I love who you were

x godbless x

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Sometimes life seems to be heading towards a crisis point. Know what I mean? Hmmm like for me now, and in the last 8 weeks to six months, there has been this way of looking, understanding and responding to things that very much interprets it as heading towards a crisis point. And right now, that crisis point is sometime around next week or the week after.

Next week, or perhaps the weeks after, I may have a couple of financial institutions chasing me over unpaid monthly debt payments. Of course I say ‘may’ rather than ‘will’ because that ‘point’ (as vividly portrayed in the pic below) has not yet arrived …

… and of course that ‘point’ never does (as graphically depicted below). The closer we get to what seems like a point the more it becomes point-less. It is a curve, a gradual change in direction, never ever a sharp point.

Hmmm, so nothing to worry about there then, as I have been heading along this gentle curve for some time now, and I will just keep doing so.

That will explain why, that at the same time as I am scraping around for pennies – no I exaggerate [a Glanville trait my cousin Sian tells me]  more watching the pounds (very closely) I am also responding to emails about settlement on mum’s house and payment of over NZD$1 million to the Trust, and the distribution of these monies, and the possibility that about NZD$ 45K may (there’s that ‘may’ again) be transferred into my bank account over the next week or so.  Crazy uncertainty, delicious ambiguity.

And (cause there’s always an ‘and’) this is where NON-ATTACHMENT and RIGHT ACTION come into it as well.

As I keep practising knowing, I am able to be non-attached. Knowing, that either reality is wonderful, that being penniless or being plentiful are both fantastic – both realities are wonderful. One is not in any way, better, worse, more scary, less fun, or in any way more preferable than the other.  I practice complete non-judgement and non-attachment. Of course I quite often slip up here – and get judgemental, and scared and worried. And of course then I always come back to the second rule (never, ever beat yourself up). Whew, thank goodness for the second rule.

So non-attachment and right action.  Right action ensures that non-attachment, and the acceptance of the glorious and delicious ambiguity of it all does not result in apathy and fatalism. Right action is accepting ambiguity and multiplicity, accepting life as it is and acting accordingly.

So I went to the Job Centre today. And I emailed the Trust lawyer today. And I spoke to Tobias re the Trust and the distribution of monies today. And I sent an email about the job offer today seeking further information. And I contacted one of those financial institutions today further explaining my situation. And I wrote this today.

Recognise   Accept   Let go   Act

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

thanks to lardfork for the pic (hope you don't mind...)

check out the site - it's well cool

well of course it is, you can tell by the pic above

Seeing as how delicious ambiguity has been all over the place lately, in words (mine, others, blogs, letters), in thoughts and in actions, well Schrödinger’s cat has got out of her box and is purring away and rubbing herself all over me. I first noticed her soon after I started reading a book about a month ago called ‘Schrödinger’s Baby’ about a group of students in the UK who get up to a bit of mischief.  However now I think about it she was there when I first picked the book of the shelf at the Charity Shop. Ever since she has been more here than not, sharing in the delicious ambiguity. Then there was this other book…

                 … I sold through the One Dharma Happiness Books bookshop called ‘In Search of Schrödinger’s Cat’ (by John Gribben). Great book, I read it about 15 years ago, soon after Heather and I got together and learning about Schrödinger’s cat was part of that heady rush, that loosened the logocentric shackles that bound my mind, or set it free. Hmmm I digress.

So I had this book in my shop, and ‘magicclaudia’ bought it and paid for it, and I wrapped it up in tissue and brown paper and sent it off as I do. As I have done with all of the 100+ books I have sold over here. And… he doesn’t receive it. This is the first time a book has gone missing. I posted it and he didn’t receive it, well he hasn’t as yet anyway. It remains in limbo…in the post. In the process of posting and delivering somewhere. Hmmmm well I couldn’t help but see the irony in all this.

For anyone, and I am sure there are some, who have, once again, no idea what I am talking about, let me explain (as only I can do – hahahaha).  In a very small nutshell, and in my very own words, Schrödinger’s cat was put into this box and the lid was shut tight. In the box along with the cat was a flask containing a poison and a geiger counter.  If the geiger counter detects radiation then the flask is shattered, releasing the poison which kills the cat. We on the outside of the box do not know it any radiation has been detected. After a while therefore we are unsure as to whether the cat is dead or alive, so seeing as we don’t know, then the cat is for all intents and purpose simultaneously alive and dead. It’s state is ambiguous.  Yet, when we look in the box, we collapse this ambiguity and we see the cat either alive or dead, not a mixture of alive and dead.

There you go. If that aint as clear as mud, then click on the club - it may help ♣

So not only does a book about all this disappear uncharacteristically into thin air – and the state of that book remains ambigious, it may still turn up, or it may have gone forever, but Mort decides to play as well.

Mort is a beautiful black cat that has lived with my sons for many years (along with Levi, the strawberry killer). Mort disappears some two weeks ago. Tobe is naturally upset by this. Not knowing where Mort is. Then a woman calls, from some way away, and says she thinks she has Mort. That Mort has turned up at her house and has made wonderful friends with her young daughter. Tobe isn’t buying it, it seems too far away for Mort to have travelled all that way.

So a picture of Mort is posted on the internet. The woman makes contact again. She is quite adamant that the cat snuggled up with her daughter is Mort. Tobe becomes less skeptical. It may be Mort. Maybe he hopped a free ride somehow in a car or something.

Now here is the other key part to this whole thing. When we OPEN THE BOX we then collapse the ambiguity. And we determine whether Schrödinger’s cat is dead or alive.  We create the reality by taking action. We take responsibility.

And being responsible mean recognising that that determination, that reality, be it a dead cat or an alive cat, is NOT made in isolation from us. We are wholehearedly a part of it.  We are as much a cause as anything else.  Not just due to our actions, also due to our thoughts, all the way down to our very being. We are responsible.

So Tobe could leave the cat with the little girl. The woman was happy for the cat to stay. Tobe could choose to know that that cat was alive and well and very happy and very loved. Tobe could choose to know that that cat was Mort.

Or Tobe could go to the house and open the box.

What would you do?

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

… and half a dozen of the other.

Not so long ago I would have been shaking my head in semi-disbelief. 

The prize package/phone credit competition has already been a success, and there is still  over 48 hours to go! Thanks to those that have entered, two that I am aware of, and some anonymous entries. Thanks so much!

It is already a success because I have news of the JOB APPLICATION!!!! While there was no message on my phone, a letter did pop through the door (I love that, it is soooooooo British). And you know me (cause and effect and cause – everything is related) that letter arriving and us sorting out my phone are closely related, closely mind! So my gratitude to those who responded to the competition call. I love you dearly xx

So, the letter. Well. To give due justice to both the content and form of the letter, you really need to read it for yourself. Here it is:

Dear Simon

Thank you very much for coming for interview for the above post. I am pleased to inform you that the Board considers you to be potentially appointable and recommends that you should be placed on a waiting list and offered a fixed term appointment for three years if and when a vacancy arises within 12 months. However, it is only fair to point out that at present there are a number of other candidates on the waiting list and we cannot guarantee to provide a post within this period. This recommendation is subject to the satisfactory completion of the usual pre-appointment enquiries.

We will keep you informed of developments and be in touch as soon as there is definite news.

Please do not hesitate to contact us if you have any questions.

Wicked! Not so long ago my head woulda been a shaking, and I’d a been a huffin and a puffin. Talk about having your cake and eating it too. Fence sitting. A bob each way. Hedging my bets. Six of one and half a dozen of the other. Talk about …

delicious ambiguity

Why did I think it would be any different? Life is like this. Life is ambiguous.

And life is what we make it.

I must say Cari took it remarkably well. Tobe’s out with Andrew and at least one bottle of champagne, so he won’t find out until some time tomorrow afternoon at the earliest. I imagine he’ll laugh in that way he does … knowlingly! Ha.

So I am once again blessed. Blessed with a gift of an opportunity. An opportunity to practice. To practice trust

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

  a m b i g u i t y

there’s been a lot of this around lately

which doesn’t really surprise me

as it is

actually

as it is

Perhaps I should explain – and excuse me if I am repeating myself, although I think there are so few of you  reading this regularly to notice – ha! (Marney and Kate – I know you are – I love you xx)  And please - anyone else out there paying some attention let me know - it’ll invigorate my motivation [not that I write for an audience or anything!]

Anyway, delicious ambiguity – ah yes! This is when we are in a place where we do not know what is happening, we are in a moment, and to some extent remain in that moment as the ‘next’ one is ambigious, uncertain, multiple.

There is a whole theory around this, mmmm Bohm I think? I’ll google it and see what I can find….don’t go away…. ok… not so helpful - maybe it was my theory, and I think what I did was leap off Bohm’s work around quantum wave-packet collapse (geez seems like another lifetime – ha!). Anyway getting off the subject a little.

Delicious ambiguity – it goes like this. The world is, in reality, a chaotic, random, ambigious place with each moment we experience being full of a myriad of possibilities [lots of 'i's in possibilities I notice - hmmm]. What we, as mere humans do, is impose our order upon this random kalediscope of creative potentiality. And we simply do this through being who we are, what we have become, that is our constructed self (children do much less imposing of order - their worlds are much more fluid and expansive). As we grow and construct our ’self’, each of us becomes different, so each of us does this ordering and structuring in our own way.  Basically within each moment of our lives we create the next moment – we are constantly ordering and structuring the wonder and mystery and ambiguity of the universe so as to be able to ‘be’ in it, in some coherent and consistent way (which for some reason we believe is ever so important).

Now, every now and again we don’t.  For some reason, sometimes accidental (e.g grief, shock), sometimes conscious (e.g. drugs, meditation) we stop ordering our world. Whoa! What happens then is we go through the gap, like Alice we actually enter wonderland. Now wonderland – as it is beneath our layer of structure and order may seem to us either completely freakin confusing and scary (cause everything is so random, multiple and ambigious) or it may be completely freakin confusing and liberating (cause everything is so random, multiple and ambigious) and just sometimes it may be freaking confusing and scary and liberating all at once.

So, delicious ambiguity? This is practice. This is when some of the ambiguity of wonderland (and usually not much) slips through and expresses itself forcefully within our ordered lives. When within our lives, within our selves, there exists a multiplicity of realities. There is at the very least, a fork in the path right in front of us, with nothing to choose between the different ways forward. Often the decision as to which path we take appears to be out of our control (which of course is an illusion, as nothing and no one but ourselves creates our reality).

So we stand there/here staring at the fork, undecided, unsure, ambiguous. Wonderful practice! Lots of practice. Practice being still. Practice not knowing. Practice being in uncertainty. Practice no judgement (as either path is wonderful and full of potential). Practice non-attachment. Practice TRUST.

delicious

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x