I understand the attraction. The cynicism and the despair. The desire to slander and complain. I understand the welcoming hand of bitterness and disappointment. It is the resting place of so many of us.

Why is that? Do we fear the light? Do we fear the joy that can come from our own way of being, we fear our own brilliance? Yet you are different from many, different in that you know your brilliance. You have seen the light that surrounds you, that lies deep within you, that emanates from you.

You have learnt this for and from yourself. You know what you are. And yet you feel you have may have squandered it, chosen to hide your light under a bushel. This is your doubt, it is your fear that pulls you into the shadows. You look at others, others less aware than you, yet so much more courageous.

You have chosen safety over exhuberance. There is no doubt about this. You have chosen security over excitement.  Be strong, be brave, be steadfast my friend.  Arise from you place of rest, you know you must proceed. You know you must cross that bridge in front of you, the one that you glimpse when the mists of uncertainty part. You stand here now before the bridge that swings in a gentle breeze. You stand here wondering, how long? How long have I been standing here?  It seems like eternity.

And I know that you want that bridge to be the last, you want this to be the end for you. That is part of your fear. Part of our despair. None of us want to continue the journey; to face another bridge. There seems little point. We have nothing and we want nothing, or so we think. Is this right? Is this how we feel? Is this who we are?

Or are we darker that that. Are we simply fooling ourselves, trying desperately to inject some meaning into this bleak existence, this life that can seem so devoid of love and understanding. You know no one understands you. Perhaps there are a few, just a few who come close to knowing your anxiety, your angst, but they are not with you now, they are not here. They are hidden in the mist and now, more so that ever before in this life, you are alone.  Alone, amongst those that do no understand you, do not befriend you. Yours is a bleak existence my friend, and yet it is one you have chosen. You are not however a martyr for you have no cause as such. You have no students, you have no disciples, you have no followers. You have only you, and you do not know in this moment what you are.

Don’t stop believing my friend. Don’t stop raising your eyes to the heavens. Don’t stop thinking that this will not last. Don’t keep wishing for the end. Cross the bridge in front of you and keep walking. Keep walking until you wish to stop, and then rest in peace. Rest free from the burden of those that choose not to travel this path with you. They are many for you have invited none.

In days before you hated with such a fury, a vengeance, and you found some comfort in that. You were held in a cold embrace, forged in the icy wastelands of your youth. You can never return to that place again, you do not have the constitution now to face the cold and survive. Now you live in a more temperate climate, one which warms your aging body. Now it is time to move south again, to seek out the light, to feel the sun on your face. Cross the bridge that sways so gently in front of you. You know there is light and warmth on the other side. Yours is a journey away from the cold, away from the poles that separate us from them. You always have been moving towards the middle, heading for a place of equanimity, a place of equal distance betwen distain and delight. Cross the bridge and journey towards the centre of your being.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Caroline and I watched ‘Coach Carter’ the other night. The first time I saw it I was in NZ staying with Tobias and Kate in March 2010. I had never heard of the movie before then; Kate suggested we watch it. Thank you Kate, for once I had watched it, it became one of my favourite movies, and it is one that still brought tears to my eyes the other night. One of the reasons I love the movie is that it introduced me to these beautiful, inspiring words by Marianne Williamson.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

I travelled to Belfast a couple of days ago, just for the day, just for a job interview.

The thing about job interviews I thought as I sat all suited up outside the Morning Star hotel downing my second Guinness, is that it’s hard not to reflect on them afterwards. No matter how much I told myself, ‘Just let it go, it’s over’, next second I would find my mind back, once again, worrying on ’I said this, they said that … what did they mean by that … did they seem disinterested… etc etc etc’.  It didn’t take me long to realise I was not in control of my mind.

I was not in control of my mind! That is a stark confession – surely for any one of us. I had lost control of my mind. I did not want it to be dwelling on something, and there it was, dwelling. It was as if, well, as if it had a mind of it’s own!!

Now while some people may simply say ’so what’, or ‘that’s just the way it is’, that’s not something that I adhere to. From my point of view, I practice, I work hard, to tame the crazy monkey [the image of the mind as a crazy monkey randomly hopping from tree to tree is one often used in Buddhism]. I resolutely believe that while we are not in control of our minds, neither are our minds in control of us. If I don’t want to think about something then most of the time I am able to simply let it go – release the thought from my mind and relax.

Not this time.

Now this could have potentially really pissed me off, if it wasn’t for the second rule – that’s right – never, ever, beat myself up. Thank you for the second rule!! So I would in one moment be urging myself to simply forget about the interview, the next moment replaying some part of it, and the one after that recognising that I am replaying some part of it, and round and round I’d go. And in amongst all that I managed to drink two pints of the black stuff. Great black stuff it was too.

So as I went around and around this cycle, not beating myself and trying as hard as I could to just ‘be in it’  I managed to latch onto the realisation that I was now, after the interview was done and dusted, less confident that during the time leading up to the damn thing. ‘Why is that?’ I asked myself as I checked the time to see if I could fit another Guinness in before the flight back.  No chance – not when it takes so long to pour.

It’s got something to do with being judged I think. What I was reviewing over and over in my mind was my performance. I was trying to see if I could assess whether I had given the ‘right’ answers, given off the ‘right’ signals.  Well I didn’t manage to do that, what I did discover during my replaying and reviewing was that over the course of the interview a couple of motifs kept recurring in my answers and monologues. 

• The challenge of stepping up: I recalled moments in my life when I have realised clearly what it is I wanted – and the challenge that came after those moments of realisation. The challenge to act courageously, to be open, to speak up. To give voice to my want. To speak clearly and openly especially to those I knew would be effected by my having what I wanted. One of the examples I gave in interview was when I wanted to bring mum home from the Residential Home where she lanquished, to live with us, my wife, my two sons, and her son. When we are stone-cold clear about what it is we want, then the challenge is to give voice to the want before we start to analyse all the possible consequences and scenarios in our minds. Before we start trying to second guess what those effected might say or do or feel or act.
• Accepting change. Often related to stepping up and voicing what it is we want, is the challenge to accept change. When others close to us step up and voice what they want, then sometimes the challenge is for us to act courageously and support them, knowing as we do that we are taking a step away from what is and into what may be. This courage is also critical at those times when we realise what it is we don’t want, and what that is, is what we have. I spoke at the interview of coming to this realisation about my existence within academia. In these instances our minds will often leap ahead and play out all kinds of scenarios and potential futures that cause us to stay in what we don’t want. The reduction in income, the unability to pay the debts, the children’s reaction, the embarrassment, the messy divorce proceedings, the lonely existence forever after as a spinister, solo parent etc etc etc. Thing is, in that moment of stone-cold realisation that we no longer want this none of that is real.  Which reminds me – I have discovered a new saying to have tattooed on my body - ‘Ashita wa asu no gaze ga fuku’ -  and it sums up this point perfectly, so I’ll say no more.

So there you are, that’s the sort of guy I am, and now a day and a bit after the interview, my thoughts of it have all but gone. Perhaps that is why I am considered to have quite a lousy memory (by some standards, particularly Kate’s if I recall…) And perhaps I am somewhat memorially-challenged when it comes to events, to my own past experiences, to times and moments I have shared with others - because I do not dwell on them long after all – ha.

And for those of you who want to know how the interview went – I can tell you now, it went GREAT!!

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

time to wake up!

inaction is a weapon of mass destruction

inaction is a weapon of mass destruction

and you aren’t going to nirvana or far-vana

you’re coming right back here to live out your karma

 with even more drama than previously

seriously

just how many centuries have we been waiting for someone else to make us free

we need to find the courage to overcome

inaction

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Ok, decided I’m going to change the look of the site. Cool. This’ll be fun. So I’m thinking there’ll be a front page, with mostly graphics, perhaps some animation (Max you’ll have to decide on that, though Justin can advise as too how much animation would be wise [if any]). Wow, check that out – a bracket inside a bracket – hmmm very deep.

Which reminds me I was just chatting with a great friend this morning and we were talking about that male thing that tends to divide women into two kind of distinct categories: the good girl (Virgin Mary, mum) and the bad girl (stripper, whore). The good girl is the male’s partner to whom he indicates some sort of commitment of longevity (this may be spoken and/or displayed through marriage or children or may just an understanding).  The bad girl is any other women who even remotely appears to fancy him (and that may just be in his own imaginings – I can vouch that us men are GOOD at imagining).

So two types – and this is the fun part: the good girl

• isn’t sexy
• isn’t sexual
• isn’t thought of in that way at all really
• in fact she’s a lot like mum
• actually if she is raising my children, she is a mum
• and therefore not at all raunchy, sexy or gagging for it

And the bad girl? WHOA, SHE IS!!!

• sexy
• sexual
• likes to get down and dirty
• wants me so so bad baby
• even if she is a mum
• she’s a MILF

So, there you have it, well some of it anyway. Hmmmm I seem to have sidetracked a little, as I do.

Anyway, cha cha cha cha changes.  So a front page, and so far I have this graphic (thanks Max!)

Absolutely awesome graphic, based on the the self immolation of Thích Quảng Đức on June 11 1963 in Vietnam.

No swastika I know, and that was a part of the original Sacred Heart image I loved (if you are unsure what I am on about go to sacred heart ). Then again I may just be seeking controversy, more controversy at least.  Strange that cause I’m not really one for controversy. I note Max in his comments on the image says:

‘I thought the swastika was too relevant to Buddhism to leave out. That and I’m sure the DevART community is beyond immediately thinking swastika = nazi’ 

Well that is the exact disagreement I had with Ebay over some candle-holders I had in the One Dharma Happiness Books store. Ebay’s view was basically if I couldn’t absolutely verify that these swastika candle holders were not designed or used or associated in anyway whatsoever to nazism, then well, sorry pal but we have no choice but to align them with nazism.

I prefer to think the other way round. Let’s liberate the swastika from an almost automatic connection with nazism. That connectiion is only a few years old for heaven’s sake, the swastika connection with eastern spirituality has been around for thousands of years! Why would I choose to associate this mandala like symbol with something I understand as hurtful and full of hate and violence and destruction when I have a genuine option of associating the swastika with something I understand as being full of loving kindness, compassion, freedom and happiness.

And as I wrote this post, as I became side-tracked, I came across the following vid. I watched it and wept. Thank you Thích Quảng Đức, thank you to the makers of the vid, thanks Max, and thanks to all, yes all of you, who led me here.

Thích Quảng Đức was a Buddhist monk protesting the persecution of Buddhists by South Vietnam’s Ngô Đình Diệm administration. He burned himself to death at a busy Saigon road intersection on June 11, 1963.

please take some time to watch this

 may you all share in my dharma

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x