I ate gingernuts and crisps, read about tropical fish and fat bikers in Montana and in between listened in to two young men earnestly discussing the merits of different debating techniques. Then the train stopped tripping and I was walking through the star-filled night. There were no more distractions. I thought of you at the Fortitude Valley station, of you in my arms not once but twice, and walking away, moving again, is a difficult thing. My heart hurts. I walk alone, slowly through this dark warm night and you are here, right here, with me.

No more biscuits, no more stories, no more debating strategies, just shadows and the sounds of a strange Australian night. Love is painful. Real. Right here. You are here my son. You always will be. And tonight I saw you, for the first time in a long time and I saw some of what you have become, what you are.

 You are a big man, a big loveable mountain of man, and in you tonight I saw all that was good in my father. I saw his tenderness and enormous capacity for love. I saw once again his gentleness and his simple and easy knowing. He knew love, he trusted it, as you do my son. You have that, what a gift. You know where you stand, what you feel, who you are. You know that love exists. You know how to simply be in it.

 This is what I came for. This is what I travelled the world for, left the woman I love for, changed my life for. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for letting me see you Max. Thank you for knowing that that was all that I needed, and wanted. I am so proud of you. I am humbled. You are a wonderful young man, so strong in your heart.

 Love is painful. Real. I love you with all my heart. Until we meet again, goodbye…

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

I was cold all day, couldn’t seem to get warm at all, in spite of the late summer warmth of the day. Early this morning my Aunty Pat died, creating a hole in my heart through which a chill wind blows, swirling around an empty space, and empty chair at the family table. 

I love you Pat, you were so much more than my Aunty, you were, you are, my mother’s sister, a Glanville just like her. Strong, brave, steadfast. Warm, loving, generous. You have been there with me, and for me, in the last two years since Mum died. You held my hand.

Thank you. I will miss you and I know you are now at peace. Rest well my dear sweet aunty. You deserve to rest. You deserve to once again share in the amazing love you have with Fred.

Bless you Aunty Pat

May you always share in my dharma

May I always feel your love

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

I found this as I was cleaning up, getting ready to leave here for the far side of the world. It was written in June 2008, over 20 months ago, at my friend Debbie’s home in Barnstaple. Devon is a great place, and Debbie, although we haven’t been in touch lately, you are a magical, wonderfully courageous woman. Thank you for sharing your life with me. Thank you for creating a situation where I wrote these words …

This post is about my stuff. Yes, my stuff. Realised that it was time to express my gratitude to my brother – openly and out there/here. To the woooooooooooooorld, and therefore to him if he was ever to read this…

Some of you know what a challenge this is to me lol

Thanks Steve. Thanks for being a bigger brother, someone who was there when I looked up. You were a semi-mythical figure to me. A super-hero, a super cool dude of the seventies. YOU EPITOMISED FREEDOM. You showed me that I could walk away, that it was possible to survive out here. And while I sometimes forgot that lesson, it always stayed nevertheless. And I stayed.

I chose to stay. And for some time I mistakenly felt that you made me stay.  That somehow, when I was sick and frustrated with my choice, I would blame you. I am sorry for that.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

… and the feeling remains the same. So does the sentiment.

It’s been 12 months since my first post – called rather dramatically ’the beginning’. And having just revisited that post, that place called the beginning, I want to say it all again. I am saying it all again right here, right now. Twelve months later and the song remains the same.

gratitude

thank you

thank you

thank you

I’m still in London, still with Cari and Tilly, still loving every minute of it. Twelve months have passed and it no longer seems longer – it seems like, and it is, simply a moment, that has been filled with so much joy, so much excitement, so much wonder, so much documented in my words and images here – and so so much that isn’t.

I continue to be well looked after, well loved, and feeling so very very happy and free all the time.

Thanks Cari – I love you dearly xx

I am free to walk, although nowadays I tend to ride. I move a little faster than a year ago – the pace of London has pulled me along a little and now I ride. Everyday, I continue to enjoy the beauty and tranquilty that is London – and I am learning to enjoy the bustle and busyness as well.

Buses and trams, trains and planes. Public footpaths and dual carriageways. Commons and heaths, greens and parks. And the quiet and sanctuary of Cari’s home and garden, both growing around me. It has been a wonderful gift to be part of her creation. To watch the house become a home, to watch the garden grow.  To reap and sow. To love and be loved. To be part of her wider family – Tilly, and Emily, Ang and Daz, and little Bennie (god bless em).

And I miss my sons, Toby and Max – it has been a moment apart and I am looking forward to being with you again – I think within the next year or so. And over our time apart I have felt you grow – that has been a joy. Once again thank you for letting me go. Thank you for being there with me when I needed you most.

Thank you to all my friends, to all those in Aotearoa and Australia. Thanks Kate, Garry and Nga, Marney, Jim, Karen, Telisa, Don and Caleb, Lendl in India, Lou, Buck, Ruth, Niuia, Trev and Lyn, Andrea and Andrea, Jackie, Colywn and Chrissi and all the others who have keep me close to them. Thanks for all your loving kindness and concern. Thanks to my UK family – Sian, Penny, Aunty Pat and Fred, Leslie, Vicki and dear Frieda. My friends – Phil and Debs, thanks for making me feel welcome, feel loved.

And finally - thanks mum.

May you ALL be free, may you ALL be happy, may you always share in my dharma.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

thanks for holding my hand

and walking beside me

thanks for showing me the way

and encouraging me

to find it myself

thanks for your belief in me

for seeing the good in me

for taking me in and

providing me shelter

and love 

 I love you all

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x