I am, I really am. My life has changed in a moment. I know, I know, there are those of you out there, me included in fact, who are wont to respond ‘ your life changes in every moment’ – and yes, of course, I agree. So it is not the fact that my life has just changed [again] that is remarkable, it is that in that moment, I recognised the immensity of the change occuring. It struck me. Slapped me in the face and dropped my jaw. And here I am marking this moment, still unsure, still now, moments later, in a place that is unfamiliar. What was possible has become probable. The terrain has shifted slightly and I am re-adjusting, regaining balance. Bear with me.

 

I have just read an email from Hope, Steve’s wife, advising me that he will very soon be in a position to give me some of my inheritance money, enough at least to pay off my debts. OMG. Here I am, just before 2 in the afternoon, on Wednesday, sitting in Cari’s dining room finishing off a bottle of champagne that Frank gave me yesterday, and that Cari and I opened last night. OMG. My life has changed. I will very soon be debt-free. I can’t remember the last time I felt debt-free. No wait I can, I felt like this when mum died.

 

Intoxicated. Free. Released.

 

 

Any day now, any day now …. and that day has come. Again. As it comes every day, as it come every moment of every day. My light is shining. I am released.

 

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

 

 

 

 

It can still feel daunting sitting down to write something here. It does today. My attention to, and my presence on, this site has been less over the last month or so. I have drawn away, once again in exile. I am sure a review of the previous 126 posts would soon wield some pattern – an oscillating wave of presence and absence, of passivity and activity, of waxing and waning, rising up and passing away.

 

Today I am ok with that. Not being ok with it, beating myself up about it, keeps me away. Shame, guilt, fear and self-doubt grow in the shadows of the bruises I inflict upon myself.  Not today. Today I accept the rhythm of life, of my life. Today I have something to say.

 

Today is the fifth of January. Today is a new day, a new start. Today I deleted all the drafts, over 30, that were lying behind here, waiting. Now there is nothing waiting, nothing older that the words I have just written above. There is a freshness here once again.

 

Today feels important. Today feels special. Thank GOD. Thank the universe, the ‘One’, the ‘process’, Buddha, Allah, the Sage, the LIght, the Way, the Force – thank everything and anything that we have created to represent that which cannot be communicated.  Today IS special, as is EVERY day. what is wonderful is that today I have recognised it. Today, right now, I know the glory of the one.

 

The 6th January is squeezed between two other special days – yesterday and the 7th January. Yesterday I was tattooed with that which I have cherished for many years (bhavatu sabbe mangalum).

 

 

Yesterday I walked with Cari in the snow in the early morning. Yesterday I felt a change, a shift in direction. As the needle left it’s mark on my body, so too has a change occurred in my mind. The interruption, the marking is holistic: a moment.

 

Today I realised what that interruption was. Today I realised that I am free. I have wished to be free. I have wished liberation for others and for myself, often at times, not really knowing what the word represented. Free from what? Liberated how? 

 

Today I felt it. Today I realised what I am free of, and by being free of, makes me free. I am free of self-doubt.

 

 

FREE OF SELF DOUBT

 

Well a lot of the time anyway- ha! Some of the time? Well at least once today I experienced NO self doubt at all, and thats GREAT!!

 

So now I know when I say to you ‘may you be happy, may you be liberated’, what I am wishing for you is complete freedom from self-doubt. Complete freedom from even the slightest, the minutest thought that your life isn’t EXACTLY as it is meant to be. Complete freedom from any thought or notion or feeling that you should have or should be doing it differently in some way.

 

That is what I wish for you

May you be happy

May you be liberated

 

 

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x