Two years have passed since my very first post. Two years – wow! This website was once a dream, simply a possibility, a maybe, and now it is so much a part of my life. So much of what has happened for me, to me and in me in the last two years is captured and freed on here.

I knew this day was coming and wanted to write a post to recognise it, and I hadn’t really thought what I would write about. I’ve just read my very first post, appropriately called ‘the beginning’ (funny that), and that reminded me what it is I need and want to say.

Thank you. That’s it. Thank you

Yes you. Whoever you are reading this  – thank you. My words are so obviously about me and for me that to know that there are some others over these last two years who chose to read, ponder and puzzle about what I say has been hugely supporting.  I know it sounds like a cliche, and, I really don’t think I could have done it without you.

For those of you who have been here on and off over the last two years you’ll know there is one person who has been, and continues to be, very very close to me. One person who has, like no one else, set me free.

Thanks darling.

Caroline – you love me in all ways. You love me always. In doing so you set me free. The things that at times tie me down, hold me back, shut me up and lock me away are all mine, made from smoke and mirrors of my own making. It is you who then sits me down, holds me lightly, loves me deeply and illuminates the way out of my maze. You really do want me to be happy. Thank you so so much.

So once again – gratitude. I am rapt that it has become the most prominent of the ‘tags’  on this blog- I am pleased that over the last two years it is the thing of all things that I have most ranted and raved about, the thing most expressed. Thanks everybody, thanks for a bloody fantastic, absolutely awesome two years!! May you all share in my dharma.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

I’m sick of being sick.

After a week of coughing, hacking and hoicking I realise I have been taking my health, my freedom from sickness, for granted. I take too many things for granted methinks. I am not practising gratitude enough – and it has taken 10 days of this for me to realise that. So I guess I am grateful for all this mucus and discomfort – it has helped me to recognise my commitment to practice – gratitude.

I also miss Maori and Samoan and Tongan people, people of the Pacifica. I miss their broad smiles and easy laughter. All the negative stuff that gets heaped upon them back in Aotearoa, some of which I bought into, caused me to simply stop seeing the happiness on their faces, in their lives. Thank you, all of you, for being part of my life, part of my culture, part of my upbringing. Thank you for making my life so much happier, and I am sorry that I did not pay attention while I was there with you.

Don’t it always seem to go that we don’t know what we got til its gone…

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

I just texted Kate and asked her to call me in about 30 minutes. So in that time I will try and tell this story. I’m on my second Desperado and have a smoke going so hang on, let go, and stay with me as best you can.

 About 20 minutes ago I was on the computer loading books onto Ebay. I discovered when loading up the second book that one of the functions had frozen – I couldn’t change the publishing date – every book had to be listed as published in 1999.

No biggy, luckily I had decided after about a month of annoying pop-up reminders that it was time to update Explorer. I had to close down before the updates would become active – so I shut the computer down.  As it was closing I wondered why I hadn’t just stayed on-line and done something else, like write a post, or go on YouTube or whatever. Why shut down now? I realised that I had kind of shut the computer down while on auto-pilot. Interesting … I am always keen to know why I do things subconsciously.

So I considered why maybe I had chosen to shut the computer down when I did.

One of the first things that became apparent was that I had closed it down when I couldn’t list a book on Ebay. Why would I choose to do that? Ummmm … maybe my subconscious I doesn’t want to sell the book right now? Hmmmm … maybe my conscious I should open it up and see what’s inside?

Many of the books I list, I simply pick up because I would like to read them. Some I can tell this just by the title, the cover etc. I just pick them up.  Some I don’t open, not from the time I first see them to the time I sell them. The book I was about to list was one of these – I hadn’t opened it.

What had attracted me to it was  the title on the spine “Basic Self-Knowledge”, its catchy very 70’s style cover, and then what sealed it was the following:

Gurdjieff and Krishnamurti – in one book! West meets East. I picked it back up off the pile and opened it  – and this is what I read:

Humanity only (of all creation on this earth) is capable of working consciously in cooperation with the Universal Plan. This is a most wonderful destiny!

And I realised there is an answer right here. I have known for a long time that being human is such a gift. It is such a privledge. The question I have been pondering, is why? Why is life such a gift? Given that it is this most wonderful opportunity, what are we meant to do with it?

An answer? Because being human allows us to be conscious of our connection to everything;  the universal, the one, the all.  Wow, what I gift.

This is apparently, I discovered as I continued reading, esotericism. So I’m not listing the book on Ebay right now, I’m reading it instead. You’ll be hearing and reading a lot more about esotericism over the next little while….

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Sometimes we learn

that

someone dies.

Someone we know.

That puts a stop to things. We stop.

Maybe just for a little while, a moment over a cup of coffee and a cigarette, and as I smoke and drink I think not only of the person who has gone and of those remaining. I think of my life, my self.

I stop and realise where I am.

I realise that only this morning I said as I passed Hazel at the bottom of the steps, ”Everyday alive is a good day’. To which she responded, as if seeking confirmation, ‘Is it?’

‘Sure is’, I fired back at her.

She looked dubious.

I realise it was only a week or so ago that I told a complete stranger the most important things I thought she should know. Things like – I love you. That you are a wonderful, fantastic, amazing, incredible, beautiful person who has the potential to be ALL you ever imagined and more. That you have the potential to be totally and utterly FREE. That we are all blessed. That through simply being alive we have been given the most magical of gifts -the gift of LIBERATION – we have been blessed with the power to set ourselves free.

Funny what happens in a day.

We may discover that someone we know is no longer alive.

We may start to appreciate and be grateful for all that we have and all that we are.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

… and the feeling remains the same. So does the sentiment.

It’s been 12 months since my first post – called rather dramatically ’the beginning’. And having just revisited that post, that place called the beginning, I want to say it all again. I am saying it all again right here, right now. Twelve months later and the song remains the same.

gratitude

thank you

thank you

thank you

I’m still in London, still with Cari and Tilly, still loving every minute of it. Twelve months have passed and it no longer seems longer – it seems like, and it is, simply a moment, that has been filled with so much joy, so much excitement, so much wonder, so much documented in my words and images here – and so so much that isn’t.

I continue to be well looked after, well loved, and feeling so very very happy and free all the time.

Thanks Cari – I love you dearly xx

I am free to walk, although nowadays I tend to ride. I move a little faster than a year ago – the pace of London has pulled me along a little and now I ride. Everyday, I continue to enjoy the beauty and tranquilty that is London – and I am learning to enjoy the bustle and busyness as well.

Buses and trams, trains and planes. Public footpaths and dual carriageways. Commons and heaths, greens and parks. And the quiet and sanctuary of Cari’s home and garden, both growing around me. It has been a wonderful gift to be part of her creation. To watch the house become a home, to watch the garden grow.  To reap and sow. To love and be loved. To be part of her wider family – Tilly, and Emily, Ang and Daz, and little Bennie (god bless em).

And I miss my sons, Toby and Max – it has been a moment apart and I am looking forward to being with you again – I think within the next year or so. And over our time apart I have felt you grow – that has been a joy. Once again thank you for letting me go. Thank you for being there with me when I needed you most.

Thank you to all my friends, to all those in Aotearoa and Australia. Thanks Kate, Garry and Nga, Marney, Jim, Karen, Telisa, Don and Caleb, Lendl in India, Lou, Buck, Ruth, Niuia, Trev and Lyn, Andrea and Andrea, Jackie, Colywn and Chrissi and all the others who have keep me close to them. Thanks for all your loving kindness and concern. Thanks to my UK family – Sian, Penny, Aunty Pat and Fred, Leslie, Vicki and dear Frieda. My friends – Phil and Debs, thanks for making me feel welcome, feel loved.

And finally - thanks mum.

May you ALL be free, may you ALL be happy, may you always share in my dharma.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x