I met her amongst the second hand books. My hands were full when she called, ‘ hello stranger’. I raised my eyes and saw her there, looking older that I remembered, strained and drawn with a heavy hand, she tried to smile. It was an unhappy smile. She was, she explained, in pain. An unexpected and, as yet, undiagnosed ache in the side of her head, came and went, like heavy breathing, like bliss. ’Stress’ I told her, and we both agreed.
And that would have been that, except you wanted to tell me something. You wanted me to know. You fed me your uncertainty and doubt. Your worries about the future. You threw your self upon me, wrapped your naked arms around me, and held me close. You promised me, nourished me, admonished and astonished me. Thank you for that, thank you for taking the time to speak. By the time you chose to release me you were no longer resigned to your suffering.
I wanted to say, and perhaps I did, I can not recall, that you don’t need to be unhappy. You do not need to be in pain. Do not turn and walk away. Close your eyes and you’ll see; see through and behind that which makes you ill. It is a simple thing; to turn around.
I didn’t write anything yesterday (a Monday). It went the way of those that went before it – all gone in a bit of a blur. I walked through the day once again on a tightrope, balancing a inner urgency with a sense of calm abiding. I seem to be perched on that edge quite often.
This morning I feel the most relaxed I have since starting the course. I’m not sure why that is? Perhaps as the days pass and the end nears I am becoming more aware of what happens next. Not that I know what that is, just that I trust it will be there, and the closer I get to it the more certain I become. Doesn’t make much sense I know – ha!
I am increasingly shifting towards just getting myself a ticket and heading back across the world when I finish here – and interestingly I have already started off on a path towards a full-time job here. I have an interview on Thursday, so I will walk along that path aways and see where it leads. I am interested to see how I feel as I walk this way.
In the last 24 hours I have remembered my previous departure from this same place. I have revisited how in that moment these same fears did not haunt me. Life is an adventure after all and I know now it matters not where one is or what one is doing. What matters is trust, courage, and a willingness to accept it as it is.
And I know in my soul, I am happy when with Caroline. More than that, for I am happy whereever I am. It is more than happiness, it is a sense of FREEDOM.
A freedom of being that comes from …. being anchored. Don’t fence me in and don’t let me run away. To wander freely requires somewhere to wander from. A home. A place to return to? A location? A three-dimensional reality? All I know is that freedom is a gift, a HUGE gift. I do not yet know what to do with it. It is too much, too overwhelming. I need Caroline to trust in me. I need Caroline to anchor me.
I need a mirror - one that reflects me as clearly and as completely as possible. Caroline is my mirror. Without her I lose sight of myself. Before her I stand in near nakedness. Away from her I look for something in which to cover myself. I seek to hide away, to clothe myself in a job, an addiction, a relationship. I grab hold of anything that will hide me away – any mask will do.
I think about leaving here, this cafe (I am once again enjoying a long black at Divan) and walking the few steps to school. I would rather stay here, in this place of self reflection. I would rather stay in this moment getting to know myself. There is a part of me that wants to stay here forever.
This is the depth of existence.
In all that we are not, we may find what we will be.
How did I not see myself all those years ago sitting on the park bench? Even when I was looking it was difficult for me to see what I was not.
And at school they are helping me learn how to express this away from this page, away from this moment. That is why I study. That is why I have enrolled. I know there is a way.
Function, if Burroughs is to be believed, produces happiness.
Happiness, I believe, is all there is / there is nothing else
Effect and cause, goal and origin, is the goddess Happiness
My energy and my spark
Function then is simple
To function is to be happy, to sink one’s SELF
Into the Goddess of Happiness
Disappear into the beginning, the warm black hole
From whence I came
So why do you think I need to read and write and count and communicate?
This is not a rhetorical question, and yet I expect no answer
Buddhist once again I am able to smile at the point
Between my eyes, and
I Sit
Quite Still
And the words come out from the warm black hole
From whence I came, between my eyes
And I am happy, I am functioning, I am communicating
In a state of pure bliss
HAPPINESS
FREEDOM
For I have answered her call. She whispers to me in the dark
I am very quiet, and still, and trusting. I
Hear her
Let me out,
Relax
That’s it
let go my darling
Expect nothing
You/I do not exist
a disembodied thought
an empty vessel
colliding
STRUGGLING
… to make sense of it … look for perfection. reflection. I need to know who am I in the mirror. .. still and forgotten When we are Dead We are Death.. floating … gone in the soulwind, departing and arriving, collliding like one hand clapping
After a week of coughing, hacking and hoicking I realise I have been taking my health, my freedom from sickness, for granted. I take too many things for granted methinks. I am not practising gratitude enough – and it has taken 10 days of this for me to realise that. So I guess I am grateful for all this mucus and discomfort – it has helped me to recognise my commitment to practice – gratitude.
I also miss Maori and Samoan and Tongan people, people of the Pacifica. I miss their broad smiles and easy laughter. All the negative stuff that gets heaped upon them back in Aotearoa, some of which I bought into, caused me to simply stop seeing the happiness on their faces, in their lives. Thank you, all of you, for being part of my life, part of my culture, part of my upbringing. Thank you for making my life so much happier, and I am sorry that I did not pay attention while I was there with you.
Don’t it always seem to go that we don’t know what we got til its gone…
