maybe this is what it is all about

getting ready

for the time of our lives

I thought I was ready, or more accurately I acted as if I was ready. I think I always felt that maybe I wasn’t ready, and now, here I am. Confused? Me too.

And what the hell is ‘ready’ anyway. Probably a word worth looking up…the Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary provides the following:

 1 a: prepared mentally or physically for some experience or action b: prepared for immediate use <dinner is ready>2 a: willingly disposed : inclined <ready to agree to his proposal> b: likely to do something indicated <a house that looks ready to collapse>3: displayed readily and spontaneously <a ready wit>4: immediately available <had ready cash>

To get ready – to become prepared mentally or physically [I would add spiritually, and perhaps holistically] for some experience or action.  Well I guess I am ready then, my confusion is not about my readiness but rather about the experience or action I am ready for.

I acted as if I was ready for letting go, ready for abandonment, ready for death. Which before anyway gets up in arms about my being suicidal, does not mean that I am wanting to die right here, right now. Being ready for death simply means that when it comes (and of course two things are certain, (1) it will come, and (2) it will come at any time) I am mentally, physically, spiritually – holistically prepared.

Given that it could happen at any time then being ready for death means being mentally, physically, spiritually, holistically prepared right here, right now, in this moment. And in every moment there is.  Being ready is living your life in every moment knowing it may be your last. 

I found this song as I was chasing another one through You Tube and I reckon it sums it up pretty well (I think I’m turning Japanese no wait country, that’s it country, this stuff is goooooooooooooood!!!).

love deeper

speak sweeter

give forgiveness we’ve been denying

YEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

And so the point is, I wasn’t ready for letting it all go.

Not yet.

I struggle to live my life like that – fully, completely, joyously, openly, honestly.

I need more practice! I have more practising to do before I live like I am dying (which of course I am).  And that’s ok, cause I’m enjoying my practice, more than I have ever before.

I was ready for something though, and now I know what that was.

I was ready, I am ready … to write … and to publish. I am ready to speak out! I am ready to face that fear and do it anyway. Ready to live that dream! HA!

I will not reason or compare: my business is to create.

William Blake

 x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

…yep this one’s for you Kate, bless you.

I have recently finished reading ‘The Holy Grail’ (quite enjoyed it, and can understand why it was so popular) and while talking with Cari last night I recalled that in that book (page 410 to be exact) the main character, Langdon, discusses the notion of “orgasm as prayer”. Quite an old and respected concept it would seem, and I quote;

‘ Physiologically speaking the male climax was accompanied by a split second deviod of thought.  A brief mental vaccum. A moment of clarity during which God could be glimpsed. Meditation gurus achieved similar states of thoughtlessness without sex and often described nirvana as a never-ending spiritual orgasm’

Now this very concept is one that some many months ago I was rather ridiculed about by my good friend Kate (who thankfully happened to also transcribe it from my oral ramblings into text – thanks Kate), so now I feel totally legitimised, and in fact almost encouraged, to go against Kate’s wishes and reveal my orgasm theory to all. Here it is then:

It’s the urge for intensity that drives us, subterranean often,  this urge drives us as human beings - to experience intensity- we seek it out- and that’s why the orgasm is what it is, because in that moment of orgasm, it is the total letting go.  The intensity of the moment is overwhelming, and what does it overwhelm?  The moment overwhelms an understanding of self, a self conception- that’s what it feels like, I am not there- we can try as hard as we can (why we would bother I don’t know) but ’we’ can’t actually be there and be orgasmic- it’s intense, it’s overwhelming, it’s obliterating.   I guess that’s why it’s called little death in Japanese or somewhere (French?), because it is a little death, it’s a moment of death.  We all seek that, and it’s not a sex thing, it’s not a power thing, it’s an obliteration thing.  The desire to expand on that, to experience an extended moment of intensity with somebody else, and believing and knowing that what the experience is, is not simply orgasm- orgasm is simply a pathway.  It isn’t the only way, there is no one way.  There are many, many ways.  The orgasm gets us there because it’s a gift- sex, that’s why sex isn’t just about procreation- sex is also about orgasm.  God is showing us what’s possible, God is showing us that it’s possible to be alive, to breathe, to exist without a concept of self- and we have the orgasm, the gift of the orgasm to show us the way.  Which is not to say that you’re meant to run around trying to have orgasms all over the place, it’s illustrating a point, and it’s understanding that it’s what happens in that moment, it’s not about getting there through sex, or the sexual aspects of it- the sex is simply a passage.  A passage to the Intensity, being present to the point where you don’t exist.  There is simply the moment.

So there you go, I could have written that best-selling book, well page 401 anyway. Oh, and don’t get me started on ‘The Matrix’, I had pretty much half the novel written when that came out. Nevermind, I’m not bitter and twisted, there is a good explanation for this phenomena, (and thanks Phil for drawing it my attention to it) – here it is…

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Hello Debs, thanks for posting those beautiful words, thanks for having the courage and the conviction, and THANKS for everything!! I have been meaning to post something for the longest time, expressing my gratitude to you for all that you are and for all that you have given me.

Thanks for the MOST wonderful wonderful time while I was in Barnstaple – there was so much to the time I spent with you and Hope. You just made me feel so welcome, so much a part of your family, your life. That is a gift you have – the ability to open yourself up – to make others feel so relaxed, so wanted. Thanks so much for that.

I remember that I had only been there a moment, a couple of hours perhaps – and it was the first time we all had met, and Hope asked if I could come and watch the Sports Day at her school the following day. You couldn’t make it, and I was asked to substitute. Wow, what a gift – thank you. I’d love too – and I so enjoyed it. Just being asked was magic – it made me feel so special!!

It was real life… a local school sports day, children excited, teachers on display, proud parents making the noises parents do on the sidelines. And after what I had written in Exeter (see post – y’orright) here I was again, in a very real way feeling in no small measure like an imposter – and no more so when I had to sign the register (cause I was taking photos) declaring which child I was with. I have some pics of that day which I will get to you once I have broadband up and running again!!

Oh before I forget, my days in and around Barnstaple were also embued with a sense of ’seeing myself’ in others. Hope who bites her fingernails; the brash young man who sat on two seats on the bus, taking up so much room in his attempt to be noticed, biting his fingernails, just like me, afraid, just like me….of being left out. And the couple on the train back to London – as I dozed and drifted in and out of wakefulness, in and out of dream state- who told me of the world and the way it is, and she, so keen, so willing, and him….unsure, hesitant, lacking confidence in what he knew to be true…that’s me right there, and I was almost tempted to step in, make my presence felt…

                                                     …and yet I remained. An observer / a participant / and imposter.

And I have not even mentioned OceanFest and the drive along the coast, and the beaches and and and…. so thanks my friend, thanks for all of it, thanks for being you. Thanks for being with me before I came here and being with me now I am here. I love you heaps – you are an inspiration – oh and one last rememberance – of us laughing and laughing about it all, about all the pain, all the suffering - as we walked along the windswept coastal path above Croyde. I will always remember that – in that moment you showed me how it is possible to let go. To free ourselves from the ‘drama and trauma’ of the past – free to be free, free to laugh, free to fly and soar and make magic.

thanks my friend
may you always share in my dharma

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

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Been wanting to add something on this site for a while now , but have been a little perplexed as to what to say. Apart from all the usual stuff of how uplifting real and at times funny I find this site, it is really getting the message out there, as to us learning accepting and being the best that we can be in this moment. We spend so much time worrying about the past and fretting over the future .

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I found these words on the secret website and feel that they also share a place here. So here goes:

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

Just reading these words every morning brings so much inspiration into my life right here right now.

wishing everyone love and blessings Debbie xx

Non self – perhaps the most difficult thing to get – well it probably is, cause when we experience it, ‘we’ are not experiencing it. In those moments of non-self we are/are not all that there is. We are in that space between in breath and out breath. Living, being….yet not consciously aware of it.

And to be in that place requires us to be simply aware through being. Not an awareness that comes from reflection, thought, cognitive understanding, but an awareness that comes from simply being there. And once again, this takes practice.

The practice of mindfulness.

The practice of letting go.

Mediation is one place to practice. In meditation we can learn the basics. We can learn that there is a gap between sensation and feeling. That what occurs in that gap is attachment. That we attach a judgement to the sensation – a good, bad, sad, horrific, irritating, erotic, or whatever feeling to the sensation. We learn in mediation that we are in control, that we are responsible, that we make choices. So we leave the mat knowing that we are responsible. That we are creating our feelings, we are creating how we experience and understand and feel about our world. Mediation can provide us with this knowledge. It then becomes up to us what we do with this knowledge.

We must build the self before we can let go of it. Only the strong, the brave, the steadfast can let go of their selves. It takes complete trust. It involves seemly making yourself vulnerable….. to everything. And yet once at that point, we have come to realise that there is no distinction between ‘me’ and ‘everything else’. We know that the distinction between self and other is completely fictional. So the strength, the bravery and the steadfastness, that have been so critical in getting us to that point, are no longer needed. We know that we have nothing to let go of. The moment occurs without ceremony. The moment is for all intents and purposes no different from the one that preceded it.

Except for that moment, ‘I’ no longer exist. What does it feel like? It is literally indescribable, because in that moment there is no one to experience it.

x bhavatu sabba mangalam x