I ate gingernuts and crisps, read about tropical fish and fat bikers in Montana and in between listened in to two young men earnestly discussing the merits of different debating techniques. Then the train stopped tripping and I was walking through the star-filled night. There were no more distractions. I thought of you at the Fortitude Valley station, of you in my arms not once but twice, and walking away, moving again, is a difficult thing. My heart hurts. I walk alone, slowly through this dark warm night and you are here, right here, with me.

No more biscuits, no more stories, no more debating strategies, just shadows and the sounds of a strange Australian night. Love is painful. Real. Right here. You are here my son. You always will be. And tonight I saw you, for the first time in a long time and I saw some of what you have become, what you are.

 You are a big man, a big loveable mountain of man, and in you tonight I saw all that was good in my father. I saw his tenderness and enormous capacity for love. I saw once again his gentleness and his simple and easy knowing. He knew love, he trusted it, as you do my son. You have that, what a gift. You know where you stand, what you feel, who you are. You know that love exists. You know how to simply be in it.

 This is what I came for. This is what I travelled the world for, left the woman I love for, changed my life for. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for letting me see you Max. Thank you for knowing that that was all that I needed, and wanted. I am so proud of you. I am humbled. You are a wonderful young man, so strong in your heart.

 Love is painful. Real. I love you with all my heart. Until we meet again, goodbye…

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Cari

I’m thinking of you this morning. I haven’t heard back from a text I sent and here I am in Australia feeling so much more distant that ever before. And it may be so much harder for you, not knowing where I am, only that I am staying with ’some woman’ you know nothing about.

I have such a need to hear your voice, or if that is not possible, then at least make the sounds in my head as I read your words, imagine your laughter, the rise and fall, the stops and starts, the melody that will bring you closer to me. I need to know that you are ok.

I need you to know that I am ok, that I am thinking of you all the time, too many times a day I wish I was with you, and I let such thoughts go, only for them to return, and I have come to take pleasure in that cycle of coming and going, for in that you are with me always.

I see Max very soon. I am excited and just a little bit anxious. Fortitude Valley, his territory, aptly named. In the years he has been here, away from me, he has I know carved out an identity. Changed, it seems to me, watching and wondering so many miles away, in shape and form much more than I.

Yet he remains my beautiful son, illuminated from the inside with such a love and a self knowing. It is this heart that I seek, to touch, once again, and to see and feel how it now manifests in all that he is.

And yes! The universe is a marvellous thing. I have just received a text from you -  a simple message – wishing me a great day – and now I know it will be!

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Well, the badger has farted, or to put it more succinctly the cat is out of the bag (and the box) and the dog is once again on the other side of the world. If that makes any sense at all, then you know me very well indeed.

I am back in the land of the long white cloud, wooden houses and cicadas – just three of the things I have noticed on my first day back (oh and blue skies, warm air and flies, lots of flies). There is obviously so much surrounding my return, and my departure, my coming and my going. Much of it I am still not conscious of, however I do know that over the last 4 weeks I have worked a lot of stuff, shifted things, dug, excavated, opened and shut my mouth, spoken up and kept quiet. And the person who has been there, right beside me, alongside me through all of that is Cari.

So while there are so many thoughts and things that I could write about, right here, right now, there is only one.  I just hope my words can capture all that I feel. Here goes…

Cari. Thank you. Once again you have set me free. As you have done so many times, in so many moments. This time the moment has lasted long enough for us to know it, for us to be in it so fully. In my leaving I have come once again to recognise the magnitude of your simple and gentle love for me. Of that I am grateful. Yet I know it is not just in this moment that your light surrounds me, it is there in all moments. It is there always and in all ways. It has never faded. It burns so bright and so consistently that I have often failed to recognise that it is your light that has warmed my skin, filled my heart and cleared my vision.

So yes, for this moment, thank you. I am so happy in this moment. Thank you.

And for all the multitude of moments that have gone before, those in relation to which I have not stopped to express my gratitude, I do so now. Thank you for loving me as you do. For always and in all ways giving me the gift of freedom.

It is through that freedom that I have come to realise true happiness.

I love you dearly my darling.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

cari

you will always and in all ways share in my dharma

arohanui

xxx

I was sidetracked as I made my way here, an AOL news article about a murder in New Zealand caught my attention. After following the link, I found that the murder was of Karen Aim, a British tourist holidaying in New Zealand last year. She was killed by a 15 year old male, who convicted of the murder, was recently sentenced to life imprisonment with a minimum parole period of 12 years.

What caused me to want to write about this tragedy here, were the sentiments expressed by Karen’s father. The report stated that he felt sorry for the teenager given the life sentence, and quoted him as saying:

“He has taken away Karen’s life, but he has also destroyed his own. If I go down the road of anger and revenge that would only destroy my life.”

I am humbled and humanised by Mr Aim’s words. To be able to be so wise, so aware, so forgiving in a moment such as this is truly inspirational. His words and thoughts reveal to me the very best of what it is to be human. Our capacity for compassion, for loving kindness and for forgiveness are truly the greatest gifts we have. I am awed by the amazing strength, resilience and courage shown by Mr Aim -to be able to nurture such feelings in this moment. Thank you. 

There is plenty of anger and revenge in the world we share. In the world we create. We are quick to valorise anger and violence, particularly when we understand it as justified. The harder path is to turn away from what seems justified and to reach inside – and touch that heart of goodness and love that beats within all of us.

Bless you Mr Aim. May you be safe, may you be at peace. May you always share in my dharma.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x