I was, and still am, in awe of that moment. It moved me, reminded me. It was, for me, a sign standing out amongst a mass of signs. It was a ‘mac truck’ of a sign – that is one that figuratively runs us over – one I could not miss.

And it came at a time of doubt as they often do. Once again I had been doubting my purpose, doubting my ability to be all I want to be. Doubting that I was reaching people, touching people, connecting with people. Doubting that I was spreading the dharma in any meaningful way.

And the universe reminded me.  Reassured me – look, look what can happen when you DARE to open your mouth!! In that moment the universe/GOD reminded me to SPEAK UP, reminded me of what I had said I wanted to do – to WALK and TALK.  The whole moment was a glaring reminder of the truly amazing human and spiritual connection that CAN be made simply by commenting on the weather to the person sitting next to us on the Tube or the tram or the train.  It was a reminder to me to be courageous and open my mouth. To speak.

And later as I wandered the streets of Putney and Richmond in a semi-dazed state with this humungous smile on my dial, supposedly on a mission to get Max’s birthday present I found myself in bookshops browsing through books, reading snippets of randomly opened pages…..my writing is interrupted by a call from Tobe in Aotearoa, calling to tell me that there is a conditional offer on the Trust house – MAGIC TIME – I am again in the zone – magic is happening, movement, change, dance… the wonder and mystery reveals itself - and was revealed to me last Saturday in the words on the pages of these books…

‘what is my greatest temptation? Introversion… That is the great temptation for those who misinterpret the words going inward and inner silence…Introversion is not a spiritual state however. Behind it lie all kinds of negative assumptions about the value of external life. The introvert is hiding his light under a bushel basket, the very thing Jesus warns against’

 

speak out

 

‘Human beings the logic suggested, live in societies 150 strong. Although many towns and cities are bigger than this, the number is in fact about right…It is in short the number of people we each know well’

 

make friends

‘It was a revelation to me to read that the just man, the holy man, is also, according to Eckhart, a likeable man…To him the just man is warm and happy and he laughs with God. The just man is the happy man. If in order to find GOD we have to be miserable and afraid then it’s a queer kind of GOD we are looking for’

 

be happy

 

‘Every country has it’s own native myth cycles: they are what makes the inner reality of the land. Thus it is very important for us to be familiar with the mythology of our own place…Once every tree, stone and spring had a tutelary spirit which those who approached it could seek out, with which they could establish contact.’

 

be open to all things

 

‘Time does not flow, any more than space flows. It is we who are flowing, wanderers in a four-dimensional universe. In nature all is given: for her the past and the future do not exist; she is the eternal present; she has no limits, either of space or of time.’

 

be present

 

Enough already, well almost. There is one more thing, one more piece of magic to recount. I was blessed on the Saturday – reminded of who I am, reassured that all is ok, all is good.  Reassured of my purpose. And then on Wednesday I received this message….

Found your book on ebay. Taken by your ID. So I clicked
through some more, read your ebay page, then onto your website.
And a little ebay purchase has taken me on travels, raised a smile and
found myself taken by your writings. I have similar interests and feel
we have similar journeys in life albeit on different roads. So I would
be proud if you would call me your friend. Aren’t friends great! Heh.

And that, simply that, makes it ALL worth while. Thank you John, thank you GOD, thank you UNIVERSE, thank you, thank you one and all.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

The other day as I was out walking I realised that I have been pretty much ‘in the zone’ (as I call it – borrowed perhaps from Oprah?) – since my mum died on January 7. What I mean by that is that I have been living a life very much in the moment – I have had minimal thoughts, let alone concerns, about the future, and few contemplations of the past. For the past 4+ months have been ones in which I have largely known what it is I want to do and be and I have simply done and been it. I have been filled a lot of the time with a love and trust that has given me courage – and through which I have been rewarded by the love and trust of others around me – both those I know and those I do not.

And this love and trust, and gratitude have been rewarded and returned not just be people, but often by events, by occurrances, by happenings. The universe/god/the oneness/the power – whatever it is called – has rewarded me. For there is an order in the crazy dance of life – the exact details of how it works I don’t know for it is unknowable in any rational way – it simply is.  It is here/there  everywhere – we see it as simply some untamed, uncertain and uncontrollable reality that lies under the roads and signs and maps and structure and order we have placed upon it.  And for most of us we are afraid of it, simply because it appears chaotic, unordered and it is completely and utterly unknowable.

Yet it is. It exists. And it displays its existence and its connectivity to us through those things we call chance and coincidence and luck. Those are the words we have given its appearance. There is another word for these moments. These moments that often seem quite magical – for that is what they are – we are experiencing the magic of the universe, the mystery of god. The word for it is ‘synchronicity’.

And in this extended moment of love and trust and incidents of magic and synchronicity there is one person who has been central.  Has been at the centre of my world, at the centre of the love and trust I experience, and which sustains me – which keeps me ‘in the zone’.  Thanks Caroline. 

  Thanks for loving me so deeply, so fully that your love sustains me – it is your love that is predominant, so ever and often present in my life right now. It is your love that lets me know that I am worthy, that I am loveable.  It is your love that exists in your breath and your body that is real.  You are home.  You have and continue to give me so much in so many ways.  Thank you.

So, ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time’ .  This is what happened – and this, is a true story.  About 2 weeks ago I was getting close to finishing a book I was reading – can’t remember which one that was now, and mentioned to Cari that I had seen this book,  ’The Curious Incident….’ in a shop and had heard it was worth reading. She said it was, and that she had it. However when she looked for it on her shelves it was nowhere to be found. She figured she must have lent it to someone and it hadn’t come back. Nevermind I would look for it in the charity shops that I frequent.  About 2 or 3 days later I finished my book, and having not found ‘The Curious Incident…’ I headed off walking to Oxford (which took me 5 days). On the first day out, keen to have something to read,  I visited Slough, and in a charity shop there while looking for ‘The Curious Incident…’ I found an alternative book to read. I took this with me to Oxford.

Cari joined me for the weekend in Oxford. On Saturday whilst browsing through Oxford, I found ‘The Curious Incident…’ in an Oxfam shop. However for some reason, perhaps because I still had  a few pages to go in my current book, I did not buy it.

We returned to London. About 4 days later I was very close to finishing my book, I still had not found ‘The Curious Incident…’.  I guess it was about near to 3 weeks since I had first thought about looking for it.

Then a package arrived from New Zealand, from my dear friend Kate. It was unexpected and unsolicited. Inside the package was a card and a book.  The book was ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time’.  In the card Kate told how the book had been recommended to her some time ago – by a number of people, but especially by a mutual friend who had since died of cancer. She had finally got round to reading it, had finished it and having enjoyed it so much, thought of me – and posted it to me.

Kate had no idea (rationally) that I was looking for this book.  I had no idea she knew about the book, let alone was actually reading it on the other side of the world.

Yet I was looking for it.  Or rather I was waiting for it.  And it arrived. All the way from the other side of the world.

Luck, chance, coincidence? All those, and synchronicity and magic and mystery. I just LOVE it.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Just realised a few minutes ago that I am surrounded by ‘m’ words.  So I’m dedicating this post to my son Max.  Where do I start…. as any parent knows, that love we have for our children is the strongest love of all.  Max, you have lit up my life – for 21 years I have been blessed.  All that you have been over that time – a baby in my arms, a white haired infant with a smile so gentle yet so knowing, a boy who loved to imagine and to dream, a young man so quiet, so grounded.  I have loved you all, deeply.  I have received from you gifts, the number and depth of which you will never know. And now as you are a man and express yourself through your being, your art, your words, I am in awe.  You are a wonderful, loving, thoughtful, intelligent and spiritual man.  Thank you for loving me as only a child can love a parent – unconditionally, completely. And thank you for loving me even now, as a man.  Even now, now that you no longer see through the eyes of a child.  Now that you can look towards your future, and can look back into your past at all that we were.   As I was searching through the papers and photos of you before I left New Zealand, I came across a drawing you had made when you were only young, perhaps 4 or 5.  On that drawing you had written in your small hand, ‘I love you and I am scared of you’.  I know you were – and I know why you were, because I, as a huge man, towering above you, wanted it to be so.  I know that you love me regardless of such memories – I know that you do not need to hear me say it.  I want to say it – I am sorry for much of what I was, I caused you to fear, I caused you to cry…. thank you for loving me throughout.  Thank you for being a person that wanted the love to win over the fear, thank you for loving me now.  So much of what I am now, so different in many ways to what I was then, is because of you.  You are magic x

Magic, mathematics, mindfulness….. mandelbrot, and miracles.  All the ‘m’ words.  Of course I don’t really know what thats about – probably never will in any complete sense, however this is what I do know now. 

I am here, aware of the ‘m’ words surrounding me at the moment, largely because of mindfulness.  Being mindful is being alert to that which surrounds us, that which presents itself to our senses, not only that which is there in front of our eyes, also that which is off to the side, peripheral.  It is that which we hear, not necessarily when someone is talking with us, perhaps someone elses conversation, perhaps a radio channel, heard briefly, fleetingly as we walk past. All that is there – and all that is ‘not there’ in the sense that we are not focussed on it.  There are so so many sounds, so so many sights in any one moment (consider how much is there during three strides down a high street at midday) – that we elect to tune so many out – these ones that are tuned out, these are the ones that are ‘not there’, yet they are. 

Practising mindfulness is firstly practising simply knowing they are there, becoming aware of the ‘background’ sounds, the colours and movements outside of our focus.  Just knowing, nothing more.

And once we become more practised at knowing they are there, then we are more mindful of all that is around us.  And there is so much, too much in some ways for us to comprehend, too much going on – that is why we tune some out in the first place.  Mindfulness is not a struggle, not an attempt to comprehend, to rationally hear and see and smell everything and know it.  Mindfulness is a gentle abiding – it is a relaxing.  And as such it is a relaxing based upon trust.  Trust that when we let go of the struggle to know and understand, only then will we really sense all that is going on around us. 

So what is the benefit of this ‘knowing’, of this mindfulness of all that is? That is where the magic comes in.  Real magic. Real magic.  Once we start becoming mindful we start to make magic -  at first I didn’t understand it as such.  Now, surrounded by ‘m’ words as I am, one of which is magic, I have come to accept.  We are all capable of making magic – we are all mages.  More to come…..

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x