Now this, this doubt seems to me to be so much a part of being human. GOD I seem to doubt so much, I perhaps spend as much time doubting as I do….what? I was going to write believing, but that does not seem to me to be the opposite of doubt. Rather ‘knowing’.  I love being in that place of knowing, when there is no room for doubt, when anything and everything is possible.  When I know life is glorious.

 

Doubt is part of the way I feel right now.  Totally and utterly alone – even divorced, separated from my self.  Because something is happening here, and you don’t know what it is, do you Mr Jones? And I don’t know what it is.  Afraid? A little.  More empty-headed, lost.

 

All seems in a whirl, not fast, a slow eddy on the river’s edge, and I a leaf caught going round and round, having no comprehension of what and where I am.  This is the existential moment – so so similar to that place of calm abiding – tinged ever so slightly, traces of fear, doubt.  Disappointment? In my self.  Disillusionment?

 

I am reminded of a younger man.

 

Perhaps I have forgotten where I have come from. I have told myself that this loss is a good thing – and now as if an amnesiac I have faint memories -  of despair, gloom, depression, blackness and a cold that turns to ice.

 

It comes from nowhere, it comes out of the void. This morning as I woke, as I walked around, I wondered what it was and from where had it come. I retraced my recent life moments, the pages I had read that morning, the love-making of the night before, feelings associated with not working, I retraced as much as I was able, and I could not find the door. The door left ajar through which this silent and stealthy monster had entered. And there is no doubt (ha) that it is upon me, these words are testimony to that.

 

It has been such a long time since I felt this pain so acutely.  I do not hurt. I despair.

 

 

 

…and maybe it is something as simple as – I miss my sons, that I feel distant from them

and…that I have a job interview tomorrow, and perhaps a job and my life will change

and… I am feeling worthless as I have no money, and debts

and…my body hurts

 

and these little things have come together

in a concerted effort they have pushed against the door

enough combined weight to create the gap

and let in the cool dark cloud

 

 

Well the sun in shining here in Morden, I have just felt it on my skin.  Doubt starts to evaporate, be banished as I understand that from little things big things grow. I see a young woman limping on a stick as she walks off down a side street. My body hurts and I feel it, it works still. I vow to call my children, from a phone and a home that Caroline provides for me.  As doubt and darkness recede, gratitude emerges.  I want to work, through work I can pay off my debts, I can be responsible. I have everything I want, and more. I have so much that I am grateful for.

 

 

 

 

doubt

a moment

passes

 

 

and at last I am still and cry

 listen and understand words that fed my youthful fire

 I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now

 

 

GOD bless you all

may you ALL share in my dharma

 

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Life has been more than a little full lately, and part of that is due to the power of money.

The power of money
to distract us
from…

The power of money
to attract us
to….

In my case money (or perhaps rather my understanding of money) has distracted me often over the last few weeks. I keep trying to write what it is the thoughts of money have distracted me from – however that I do not know as I have been distracted. I’ve missed quite a lot methinks and so I apologise to those who have felt my absence. Most obviously Caroline – sorry darling from all those moments lately when I have not been there. To others further away physically who have also noticed my absence (perhaps my sons, although that may be wishful thinking – and in many ways I hope they have not missed me at all) – my apologies, while it has not only been ‘money’ that has distracted me, thoughts and actions associated with the old cashola have been given quite a bit of my time and energy.

So on that theme, I have been applying for jobs, thinking about jobs, worrying about no jobs, feeling just a little like a bludger, percieving money as a scarce resource. And in all that Cari and I have been to Scotland for 5 day, in a place called Glencoe. I will be posting more, along with some pics in a post soon.

The reason I am not posting about Glencoe now is that I am still using internet cafes and dial-up to access the site. Cari and I and Tilly all moved successfully from Putney to Morden – and of course this has once again renewed my curiosity and I am using my time exploring. I am now in Sutton – I like it! Oh and have some great footage of a local Croyden band – well a couple of guys – singing in the street to post as well.

So lots going on, and been going lots of places – and Daz and Angela and Em visited the weekend just gone – so a full life!

And in all that there has been the power of money to attract – as with everything, as with all – there is both good and bad, there is neither good and bad. Money has been on my mind – it has distracted me – and it those moments, that distraction becomes my reality – that is ‘as it is’. So money has attracted me to the anger and bitterness that has lain inside me. The ‘clinging’ that I have had to things and thoughts of a past moment, and dreams and fantastical illusions of a number of possible future moments.

Money has led me there – and I am so grateful for that (I knwe money had to be worth something!). So over the last three weeks I have worked my stuff about Steve and the inheritance, and mum and related financial issues in a big way (as those of you who have read some of the previous post would be well aware).

So, the power of money – whatever we want it to be.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

 

 

…bit panicky even methinks. That is the way I’ve been lately (last week and a bit? maybe more), I’ve been thinking about money – well actually I’ve been thinking of the lack of money in my life. Ha, how’s that for positive thinking!! One of the fundamentals that Heather taught me was ‘we create our own realities’ (which reminds me – keep logging on for an upcoming interview with Ken Wilber).   And Deb’s just reiterated the message to me a couple of weeks ago when I was in Devon (she finally got round to making a ‘wish list’ for a mate after about 8 years of uncertainty and there he was within 2 weeks! Sure he was gone in another 2 (perhaps even 1) and that’s beside the point – he was manifest – just a little more positive planning needed. So anyway, here I’ve been focussing on my lack of money when I could have been focussing in the abundance of money in my life.

 

Wicked! So I remembered that I had about NZD $11000 in credit cards available to me.  All I needed to do was step up and request it. So I did – i started that process and contacted AMEX today.  So now I am increasingly focussed on the abundance of money (perhaps just funds) in my life. Now watch the magic happen – lol

 

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x