On Death 
 

You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

Kahlil Gibran

Thanks Phil for sending me this wonderful poem on one of my favourite subjects. Being around people close to death is like being around people close to birth I find.  Just so much less baggage involved – the baggage that we all accumulate as we travel through this wonderful life. The baggage that makes us who we ‘are’ – for the briefest of moments between birth and death.  The briefest of moments between an in-breath and an out-breath. That is our life. It is not something to hold on to – it is something to let go of, naturally.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

I don’t know about you, but I watched it the whole way through on my first viewing. I can’t remember what I had been doing, but whatever it was it was put on hold as I watched this poignant, beautiful little story. Don’t ask me what it is about it that makes it so … brilliant, it simply is.

 Thanks Phil for sending it to me. Thanks Adam Elliot for your most wonderful creation. Thanks Harvie!!

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Hey Gaz,

Great to hear some more news, and I think it’s wonderful you are taking some very practical and sound steps to counter the effects of the gathering economic storm. Most praiseworthy. Hopefully you have those veges all harvested (at least once) before the storm has blown over (as they always do). I’m in a bit of a mini economic storm myself at the moment (I guess that makes it more of a mild zephir that a storm)- and it’s pretty much a completely internal storm – although there is the occasional leakage, and Cari bears the brunt of that (bless her). All good practice though – practising accepting the change in the weather without judgement. No ‘darkening clouds’ or ‘threatening horizons’, simply a change in the weather lol.

I was thinking today of the perfect job (cause I am going to be getting one soon, and I might as well put some thought into it). And I came up with this….

1. a car goes with the job
2. the job involves a lot of travel (say 3-4 days a fortnight)- all over a part of the country, preferable south east England (cause that’s close enough and I ain’t been there, or know much about it).

And thats about as far as I got – oh no wait, and….

3. it involves meeting a lot of people.

Spent last weekend moving house. Not that it’ll mean that much to you, but Cari bought a house in Morden and we hired a van and moved all her stuff on Friday (three trips in a Transit van – she doesn’t have much stuff). The trip from Roehampton to Morden meant a journey through the centre of Wimbledon, and of course the tennis was on, so that was an entertaining ride each time, and I can honestly say I was at Wimbeldon during the tennis this year. Actually watched the end of the final on TV – great game. Anyway, all good, totally moved in and making ourselves at home.

Went out to a PARTY on Saturday night at Phil’s in Illford. Again doesn’t mean much to anyone who isn’t so au fait with London as myself (almost a born and bred Londoner already – well at least I picked out an Essex accent in the Charity Shop this morning – no way could I have done that 3 months ago). Anyway from Morden to Illford is a loooooooooooong way – a bus and two tubes (which isn’t any big deal in itself) but these were loooooooooooooooooooooong tube rides. Anyway to put it in more straightforward terms – it took us about 1.45 hours to get there. And then when we did get there, realised how long it was going to take to get back (the same amount of time obviously – that took a while to figure out), and we did the math, we realised that we had about 90 minutes to spend at the party.

And we timed it just right!! The crowd had thinned, and kept thinning (nothing to do with us arriving I was assured…) – just the stayers left – Phil and her mates – and lots of food, especially loads of awesome trifle! So we got stuck into that, well I think perhaps I got more stuck in than Cari. Thanks Phil, the food was delicious! And great to see all your children again, and for them to meet Cari. You have wonderful children – well adults now really. And thank you to Dan’s girlfriend, who I have forgotten the name of (that’s my memory for you – however she was very memorable) – whose complete adoration for Paul McCartney combined with her Argentinian cultural being, in particular her lovely linguistic take on English – made for one of the most memorable stories I have heard in a loooooooooooong time. Hmmm seems to have been a night of long things.

So Cari and I had a fabulous time, thanks Phil, and thanks to…..er….Eve (?) for the lift to the station. She’s is a FUN person – and we all had a great yarn about kids and parenting and suffering and masculinity (the two do go together so well) on the way there. And a long trip back – with a most wonderful change from the Central Line to the Northern Line at Bank (that was wicked fun).

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Comes a time…. to be silent. And for me that time is now. I am signing off and shutting down, going into self-imposed exile. So for all those out there who have been logging in and checking me out (that’s both Kate and Phil) thanks for the support, you’ve really helped me have the courage and perseverence to keep going, to keep talking for the last 2+ months. I’ve enjoyed it immensely, and I have seen a dream come true (again), so I feel blessed.

Thanks Kate. You are wonderful, and I think you know it, if you’re not sure, well trust me for in this instance I am the one that is right. You have, you do, show me what real friendship is. No one else I have ever known (well that I can remember anyway) has shown me the total and utter friendship and support that you do. The last year of my life has been made some much easier because you have been in it. Thank you for loving me and my family. Thank you for all the times, too many to recall, that you have shown love in such a simple and unassuming way. 

Thank you for your sense of humour. Thinking about it, it was as if I found a missing member of my family. Well you know what I always say – your friends are the family you make for yourself – or something like that anyway. You are my family, and I know that Tobias feels the same. Thank you for your generosity and your willingness to be courageous. Thank you so much for staying in touch, for being there/here for me and my son. I love you Kate.

And Phil, you have been the one who has consistently made comment on here – it has been me and you for the most part, and I am so grateful for that. You made me feel that this was all worthwhile, that there was someone, you, hearing what I was saying. We all like an audience, especially one that understands what we are trying to express. You have been my audience. Thank you for choosing to spend time with me, for choosing to be the voice in the dark, that sounded out and made me realise I was not alone. See you at the gathering!

Thanks Justin. The man who has known how to make this site happen in a whole technological, programming way. Wow, without you this would never have happened. Thanks mate, not just for all your knowledge, also for the way in which you have imparted it to me, your easy-going nature, and the way you have always responded so pleasantly to my queries (which at times I know must have seemed like a real pain in the butt). Thanks for having an interest and contributing to the amazing changes in the site over the last 2+months. It looks fantastic and operates marvellously. Thanks!

And before I go…Caroline, Cari….. these words will not do justice to how grateful I am.  Caroline – you are the most wonderful, most real, most loving and loved person in my life right now.  You have sustained me in all ways and always since I arrived in this place. My happiness, my genuine, every day, every moment happiness is so much down to you.  And it is from that well of happiness and trust and safety that I found the courage, the inspiration, the self-belief to create this site.  Thank you so so much for creating this reality with me.

That’s it. Time to go. I’ll leave you with one of my favourite quotes…

I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

I was planning to write more about mindfulness and magic, and perhaps I still will, however I have leapt, as I am wont to do, to Truth (thanks to Phil’s comment on the previous post). So obviously I am grateful to Phil for that – thanks Phil for leading me somewhere – you do that, have always done that ever since I have known you, and while that may not be long in days and weeks and years, that is not what is important in our friendship.  It is not measured by how long we have known eachother, but by how well we know eachother.  For me all friendships are about intensity rather than longevity, and you are intense, thank you so much for that.  You are a seeker, a passionate searcher – you are someone who is not ashamed to be so.  I love your desire, your longing to know, your willingness to extend, expand, enlarge – to envelop and embody more and more of that which we lies just outside of our reach.  I love your ‘dottiness’ as you call it – for me it is part of your practice, is part of the way that you reach beyond.  I love the way in which you teach our children – and I love the way in which so much of the time, you do not seem to realise what you are doing – the knowing that you are imparting – and the way that you do it, through music, and art, and words.  Thanks Phil – thanks for being who you are, thanks for being in my life. I love you x

So, Truth.

Cari and I went and saw ‘The Oxford Murders’ last night. It begins with the central character (a philosopher) expounding that truth does not exist, and therefore all that remains is to be silent.  Well, having been meditating for some time now I can’t argue with that – after all that is one of the key goals of meditation – that it is through the silence and the stillness that we may get closer to the ‘truth’ (or to be buddhist for a moment – ‘non-truth’). 

And while for me it was not a planned way forward, my introduction to meditation was very much a response to the same dilemma as that expressed by Seldom in the movie.   I was paralysed – I had come to know through many years of academic and intellectual pursuit, that Truth did not exist, and equally that multiple ‘truths’ did, that is that everyone has their own truth. We all see and hear and understand and interpret that which we experience differently, even if we are experiencing the ’same’ thing (e.g. multiple witnesses to a car crash  or robbery- the same incident, yet when providing statements, details differ - times, directions, sizes, ages, colours).  Multiple truths, and no one Truth.  And I was paralysed because words, language was inadequate – even, as “The Oxford Murders” articulates, mathematical language -  supposedly the purest form of symbols there are.  

I realised that as soon as any of us give voice to our ’truth’ we are limited by the symbols we use – be they mathematical, linguistic, artistic – no matter. We have become the finger pointing at the moon (to get buddhist again) – that is we are not articulating our ‘truth’ (the moon) but rather are providing directions (the finger) for others to perceive our truth.  And of course, as we all know, directions are open to (mis)interpretation.  No matter how well we may feel we are giving them.

So, paralysed – unwilling to speak, write – to use language, further intellectual study was futile.  And then I found the silence.

Well there I go again – I wasn’t even contemplating writing about that at all when I started this post.   What I was going to write about was the letting go of  ‘Truth’ and our acceptance of ‘truth’ – that is our own acceptance, all of us, everyone of us, that we have something to say. The acceptance that our view, our truth is worthy – as worthy as anybody elses.   And of course in doing so, the acceptance that anyone else’s view is as worthy as our own.  Bottom line – learning to LOVE ourselves, learning to LOVE how and what we know, learning to LOVE who we are – and in that all that we have ever been.

I hope by now, those of you who have read a few of these things, are starting to understand (and be ok with) that way in which I can hop quite tangentially from one idea to the next (and back again). I’m kind of getting ok with it myself – and anyway, you can always take me off in any direction you want, just leave a comment.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x