Wow what a huge couple of days so far (check the last 4-5 posts!)

Just received a couple of emails from a web sheriff and have had the vid I made and posted yesterday,  removed from YouTube. Seems Van didn’t (and won’t I guess) give his permission for me to use his song. Bummer. I LOVE that song and I thought I had done such a wonderful job of merging the song and the images. Nevermind.

Buck to the rescue methinks (Buck is my music man – I hope he is reading this!)

Buck, apparently a cover is fine. Do you fancy covering Van’s ‘Philosopher’s Stone’ for me? Some wonderful piano in there my man. Maybe even just an instrumental version would be good, not that there’s anything wrong with your vocals – ha. Or better still a piece of your own?  Let me know, send me a WMA file ASAP.

So yeah, got told off by the internet police, though the email was very nicely worded. Fair enough I guess. Bummer though.  And then I got told off by YouTube. I don’t know, a guy can only take so much. So much ambiguity, so much roller-coaster, so much ‘now I see it, now I don’t’ sort of thing. Didn’t take them long to track me down either, about 16 hours…

Other than that I’m waiting to hear about a job as a porter in a local hospital. Sounds just right for me. Went down to the local Job Centre this morning and found it down there, they have this FANTASTIC system for looking for jobs – all touch screen and options and bright colours, and so simple to use. I recommend it to anyone job seeking!

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

I was all ready to dive face first into a blue funk today. Did the groundwork last night; angry, sullen, silent, evasive. I made sure Cari knew. Not nice at all.

And now today – it’s 1.30 in the afternoon and I’m in bed. Haven’t got up, except to have a cigarette, haven’t washed, haven’t eaten, except to gnaw at a fingernail.

I was all ready to just lie around and wallow in my ever-so-justified anger, resentment and self-pity. To feel just so hard done by. Same old stuff. About the inheritance and who my brother is. Same old stuff that I have struggled with for the last 7 years or so.

It was starting to feel quite comfortable methinks …

I really thought I deserved to be able to vent some anger and feel sorry for myself. I was suffering after all. I was being victimised. I was hurting.

Maybe I was …

And …

This time …

I made it work for me. Sure I stayed in bed, sure I had a cigarette. Sure I got angry and hurt Cari (sorry my darling – and thank you so much for being there with your magic wand). And hopefully next time, as with this time, there’ll be less anger and hurt.

This time I turned lead into gold.  I stayed in bed for 5 hours and instead of sulking I made this, from scratch. I’m really pleased with it.

Ok, the golden nature of my creation may not be readily apparent right now. It was I discovered after I published it a VERY limited edition. Only a very select group of people witnessed it – and I didn’t do much of the selecting either. I am hoping the lead will again be transmogrified into gold with the help of my good friend, fellow alchemist and general all-round good ole honest cowpoke, Buck. To learn (a little) more about all this, click here ©

So thank you Steve. I know a lot of you out there have been waiting for me to see the light and speak the truth. Thank you all. Thank you Steve for being who you are. As much as mum, as much as Toby, as much as Max, you have played a huge part in my transformation over the last 5 years.

And what a transformation it has been. There have been times, more than once, when I have felt the philosopher’s stone in my hand, in my heart, in my mind. There is no better feeling – when all the world is warm and golden.

To all my friends, thanks. To those of you in the vid, don’t worry you look wonderful! To those of you not in the vid, that is only because I could not find your pic today. Send me a new one, or better yet lets get together and we’ll take a pic of us together, with huge smiles on our faces. I love you all xx

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Caroline (and I use that as you use ‘Catherine’ – to get your attention, and for you to know that I want you to listen – ha),

There it is, right there.  I cried when I read your words. 

There was nothing between us, for it is not what you said, it was simply your voice, your sound, your choice.  That is what binds me to you:

your voice, your look, our knowing makes me soar.

You have a gift, the gift of innocence, something precious that you have cherished, cared for

You are the holy grail, the philosopher’s stone, the heart of gold

that beats right through me

you see right through me

listen to me while I sleep

you are         

                                                                 what i seek