Christ this is really a trial.  There is little pleasure in it. It is more a test of endurance… and… trust. Trust that the trainers know what they are doing. Trust that I will become more accomplished at teaching. Trust that the ways, techniques and methods we are being taught are the ‘right’ ones. Trust that the way the knowledge is packaged and paced and ordered has been tested many times before and has been proven to work. Trust that after another 16 days I will be  a much better teacher than I am now, coz I’m not so comfortable with the teaching I’m doing at the moment. I don’t recall ever feeling this uncomfortable in the classroom/tutoring environment when teaching at uni.

I think maybe my uncomfortableness has something to do with not understanding people at the best of times – ha. And not just at a philosophical level but at a very real hearing and listening level. I have for many years now had difficulty understanding people – I am maybe a little deaf and a little disinterested, and this makes hearing and understanding what someone is saying rather difficult. I’ve got into the habit of reading body language, of coming to know what is expected in response even when I do not understand the words. I do my best to produce a reassuring smile or confirming nod or shake of the head. This way of being is not realy too well suited to teaching English to foreign students.  Ah well – keep going – ha.

As I have said it is simply a matter of endurance. I am running out of money – something I knew would happen and didn’t quite anticipate it happening so quickly. Being here, in a city, in Auckland, is sucking the life out of me, in all ways. I do not feel I belong here. I do not feel at ease here. I am temporary, out of step, and while I need a job I am not sure that working here will be good for me in any way other than financially. To stay here, not just in Auckland, but perhaps in NZ, does not rest easy with me. And yet …

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Resurrection? I’m not so sure now. Resurrection into chaos if at all! Ha!

Anyway back at Divan. This I think will become my routine. A safe place to stop, have a good coffee and reflect. I did some prep work at Kate’s place of work before boarding the train this morning and I have more work that needs to be done yet before class starts at 9.30. This is, and will be for the next 19 days, the way it is. The home environment (sofa-sleeping, no desk space etc) is not condusive to doing my homework. I will plan to fit it into the mornings.

This morning I felt the all too familiar ‘rush’ inside me – that feeling of ‘I haven’t got enough time’, ‘I have so much to do’.  Luckily this morning I was able to bid it farewell, my trust still strong enough to gently kiss my worry and doubt goodbye. I am relaxed, I am confident. I have more than enough time, more than enough energy, more than enough ability to do this course and do it in such a way that it is a great pleasure to me!!

And outside this, I am aware of my desire to find work. This is the fog that surrounds this CELTA compound so full of activity. It is a fog I will need to regularly step into and search through. I will need to organise my time and energy to make this happen.

And Caroline. I am feeling alone more now than ever before, much more so that when I was on retreat. I am involved in something that requires my full attention and focus so much so that she is less in my hands, less close. I feel this and it hurts. I miss her already.

She is my companion, my partner, my ‘other half’ and in the intensity of this elongated moment I feel her on the other side. There is a shimmering wall of CELTA obligations between us. 19 day worth. I wonder where it is that we will meet again on the other side. When and where we will get to once again feel each other’s heartbeat beneath our touch.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

It all boils down to trust

the question is ‘why am I here?’

the answer is

I don’t know

it’s that simple

How do I know

how to act

what to do

Again the answer is simple

‘I don’t know’

I can never know whether

the way I act and

the things I do are ‘right’

Right for me and right

for others. To believe that I

do know is a pretence

to trust we have to doubt

If there is no doubt, no uncertainty

then there is no act of trust, just as

without fear there is no courage

with practice

we still have moments

of fear, worry, uncertainty, doubt

yet like the

accomplished golfer or pianist

a duff shot or a bum note

no longer signifies

anything more

than a lack of concentration

a moment’s lapse

simply past

as

we keep on playing

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

 written 5 days ago … on the other side of the world

I’m getting ready to go. Slowly. Trying to take my time. Trying to slow it all down. And of course it passes – there is another moment of waking in bed next to you. Another morning, shared coffee, tea and cigarettes. Another moment to look into your sleepy face, at your mussy hair. Time to watch you dress and feel reassured when you poke your tongue at me.

So much time to be with you. Now there is forever, much longer than anything I can imagine yet to come. I imagine  a crescendo somewhere ahead, maybe that will come once we are parted. Maybe we will surprise ourselves and will continue as we are now. Simply being with each other as we always have.

I look forward to missing you. Deeply as I will when I am flying, and soulfully when I am walking and you are no longer right there in the air that I breathe. I look forward to realising what is missing from my life, from me. I look forward to every moment that I can be without you and know how that feels.

I look forward to seeing you again. Holding you again. Living with you again and being surrounded by your love.

I look forward to where I am going, for I trust that is a place that brings me even closer to you.

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x

Over the last week or so I have been told by a number of friends and strangers alike that my dreams have come true. I am grateful to those of you who have chosen to remind me. Thanks Trev, Al and Hayley. You are so right! I AM living my dream. I have, I am, what I once dreamt.

I am now living in what was once a  far faraway land. I am free of debt and of most worldly possessions. I have created a website which now has a life and history and flavour of it’s own. And interwoven so intimately in all this is something I never dreamt, a wonderful wonder-filled loving relationship with Cari.

I am living my dreams and THEN some!

I think back before all this was, when this life I live now was just dreams. What changed them from dreams to reality? Who knows? Some of the things I did that may have helped, were:

• I developed and grew a clear and simple vision.
• I came to know rather than believe that my dreams would become manifest.
• I was unattached to when that happened, I just knew it would.
• I got myself ready as I knew my dreams would not manifest until I was ready for them to do so.
• I put my dreams out there – told as many people as would listen.  As the saying goes ‘many hands make light work. well it’s true of minds and imaginations as well.
• I practised letting go of my fear and simply being trustful.
• I breathed in and I breathed out.
• I chanted.

And here I am. Living my dreams …… wicked!

x bhavatu sabbe mangalum x